Monthly Archives: May 2016

Graduation Commencement Tomorrow

I can’t wait for commencement to be over.

I want to fix these thoughts that have been going on in my head. But there’s so much going on. I know meditation is really good for you and I should do it often, but I haven’t in a long time. Maybe if I make it a point to do in the morning. Idk I’ve been so averse to it, when I know it’s so good for me.

Noel has been flooding my thoughts lately. Ever since rehearsal when I caught her taking that photo of me on Snapchat and sending it to someone. Okay, so she’s a bitch. I’ve accepted that. Why does shit affect me so much and other people can just brush shit off.

I also keep thinking about how there’s really no one at Commencement that I really have an urge to talk to. Nobody I really even want to sit next to. But a positive is that at least I know a lot of people. And am acquaintances with them. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore, and it makes me insecure. I know some people think I stare, but I never mean to. It makes me feel like shit.

Alright, I’m going to bed. I think my birth control might be partly responsible for making me feel so irritable too.

Thanks for reading. xo

 

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So I Scheduled a Counseling Appt

Lately I’ve been having trouble with paranoia. Thinking that everyone is talking about me or thinking negative things about me. Specifically that people are talking about how I “stare a lot” and that they’re creeped out by me. It’s been bothering me a lot lately. I went to my rehearsal today for graduation and one girl was there who bothered me a lot. I think she took a Snapchat photo of me and sent it to her friend. Why are girls so interested in me and in being so mean? It taints my whole perception of people and makes me not want to socialize with anyone.

I feel so unlikable. Another thing I’ve been paranoid about lately. Just everyone not liking me. And there were certain people I decided to myself that I unconditionally liked. People who just seemed like really good people. But even them I’m worried don’t like me.

I had this idealistic expectation that I could be friends with so many people, but even though I made it a point over the last year to socialize more, I realized a couple things:

1.) I can talk all I want, but that isn’t necessarily going to change the chemistry I have with someone. If I get a good or bad vibe initially, it tends to stay that way. Talking doesn’t change how much I clique with someone.

2.) I did become friendly with many people, but I also found that if I didn’t keep it up, then it was all for naught. I kept thinking to myself, “I talked a lot earlier, now I’m not…”

3.) Talking more did keep me engaged at times.

4.) Even though I talked a lot, it didn’t change who became a real friend or not. I really don’t have friends like I used to. I remember at one point in my life, I remember thinking to myself, “I have a lot of friends”. I would have people over and I had a lot of people to invite who were genuinely real friends of mine. Now, I don’t have any. Although, I also didn’t have much of an opportunity to go out at night at all, because I had to be up early every day. And everyone at school is an hour away. But I joined Zeta Omicron, went to some social events there, and I went to Vienna and socialized with everyone there too. But it didn’t seem to make much of a real difference after all. I didn’t really become close with anyone. And some of my attempts ended up failing, because talking isn’t the only remedy to making friends.

When I was in Vienna, I hung out with Jenna a lot. Back in the states, when I first got back, I felt so depressed for some reason. And she and I did not clique like we did. I guess we didn’t really get along as people. She’s another person I don’t trust. I never used to have these trust issues. Or maybe I just dismissed them, idk. But at the art reception from our Vienna trip, she just ignored me, and I was right in front of her. Even Audrey didn’t immediately seem interested in seeing me. Idk how else to say it, but I just have a difficult time socially, and it has always been the one thing that has brought me down in the past.

Maybe I just shouldn’t put any stock into my social life at all. Maybe in having zero expectations I wouldn’t be let down anymore. Or at least bring my social expectations way down. It’s okay if I find friends to be rare. That’s just how I’m built.

Well it’s getting late and I have to get to bed… Thanks for reading.

xo night!

 

11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo