11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo