Lately I’ve been having trouble with paranoia. Thinking that everyone is talking about me or thinking negative things about me. Specifically that people are talking about how I “stare a lot” and that they’re creeped out by me. It’s been bothering me a lot lately. I went to my rehearsal today for graduation and one girl was there who bothered me a lot. I think she took a Snapchat photo of me and sent it to her friend. Why are girls so interested in me and in being so mean? It taints my whole perception of people and makes me not want to socialize with anyone.
I feel so unlikable. Another thing I’ve been paranoid about lately. Just everyone not liking me. And there were certain people I decided to myself that I unconditionally liked. People who just seemed like really good people. But even them I’m worried don’t like me.
I had this idealistic expectation that I could be friends with so many people, but even though I made it a point over the last year to socialize more, I realized a couple things:
1.) I can talk all I want, but that isn’t necessarily going to change the chemistry I have with someone. If I get a good or bad vibe initially, it tends to stay that way. Talking doesn’t change how much I clique with someone.
2.) I did become friendly with many people, but I also found that if I didn’t keep it up, then it was all for naught. I kept thinking to myself, “I talked a lot earlier, now I’m not…”
3.) Talking more did keep me engaged at times.
4.) Even though I talked a lot, it didn’t change who became a real friend or not. I really don’t have friends like I used to. I remember at one point in my life, I remember thinking to myself, “I have a lot of friends”. I would have people over and I had a lot of people to invite who were genuinely real friends of mine. Now, I don’t have any. Although, I also didn’t have much of an opportunity to go out at night at all, because I had to be up early every day. And everyone at school is an hour away. But I joined Zeta Omicron, went to some social events there, and I went to Vienna and socialized with everyone there too. But it didn’t seem to make much of a real difference after all. I didn’t really become close with anyone. And some of my attempts ended up failing, because talking isn’t the only remedy to making friends.
When I was in Vienna, I hung out with Jenna a lot. Back in the states, when I first got back, I felt so depressed for some reason. And she and I did not clique like we did. I guess we didn’t really get along as people. She’s another person I don’t trust. I never used to have these trust issues. Or maybe I just dismissed them, idk. But at the art reception from our Vienna trip, she just ignored me, and I was right in front of her. Even Audrey didn’t immediately seem interested in seeing me. Idk how else to say it, but I just have a difficult time socially, and it has always been the one thing that has brought me down in the past.
Maybe I just shouldn’t put any stock into my social life at all. Maybe in having zero expectations I wouldn’t be let down anymore. Or at least bring my social expectations way down. It’s okay if I find friends to be rare. That’s just how I’m built.
Well it’s getting late and I have to get to bed… Thanks for reading.