Really Hard Times

I’m going to write for at least 10 minutes, so until 1:42am.

I’ve been meaning every day to write. I write a to-do list almost every day, sometimes each list carries over into the next day. I have a list I wrote Christmas day or the day before, but I still have items I have yet to complete, such as my grad school applications. Even just 1. I could make it a goal to finish all 3 before the break ends. I would still have 7 days to finish them. It’s a very realistic goal, but I have not brought myself to even start any of the 3 yet, for some reason. Lately, I have been feeling very angry, and very depressed. I think maybe I should start talking to that counselor again. I would have to pay $100 for the month, but it would be worth it, I think. But with my bills, I would have to see if I can even afford that right now. My motivation lately has been so shitty. I have not wanted to do anything. It’s miserable. All I want to do is lay in bed. Yet when I lay in bed for long periods of time, and fall asleep, when I wake up again, I’m depressed, because all I’ve been doing is sleeping, and I’m not waking up to there being anything to do.

I feel different lately. Like, although I’ve been feeling overall depressed, and down, I still feel this feeling of being clearer than I’ve felt before. Like it’s easier for me to pop out of bed and feel like I don’t need an hour to feel “normal”. Yet I still feel this feeling of not wanting to do anything. Even the things that normally interest me, like mandala paintings or knitting or watching movies, like I just feel like I’m fighting everything. Like I refuse to do anything. And I feel so angry. I want somewhere to put it. To kill someone or something. I feel so angry because finding out he got his wife pregnant was more painful than I could have ever imagined. Even though I know that wouldn’t help me.

I keep thinking back to I should talk to the counselor again. She seemed really helpful. And it was really good to get everything out. Lately though, every time I go to write down what I want to do, I don’t feel like I actually have any energy lately to want to do anything. Which is depressing as fuck. Man I just feel so angry. In general too. And sick. And unhealthy. And dirty. And I don’t feel like I want to shower. I haven’t written in my gratitude journal in a long time. I will do that after this. It’s not that I don’t want to help myself, it’s just that I’ve had a really hard time lately. I just feel terrible. I want to be better. I want to be happy and healthy and active and appreciating life and growing and expanding, but it is not happening lately. I just want to feel at peace, happy and understanding of the situation that has caused me so much pain. I want that more than anything. And I believe that if I set my intention to that, that I could try really hard to accomplish that.

Spirit, please be with me and give me strength, insight, understanding, inspiration, hope, energy, self love, self compassion, and please help to motivate me to continue on.

I actually think I feel a little better after writing for a little while. Maybe I should make this a nightly thing. I think signing back up for online counseling with BetterHelp.com will help too. It’s so good to have someone to talk to about everything going on with me. I just hope to God to find peace and happiness through all of this.

Have a good night xo

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