I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.
I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.
I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…
A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.
My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.
I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!
I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.
Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.
Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…
I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.
I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.
Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.
I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately. And I say fuck that. I should never feel bad about myself. No one should ever feel bad about themselves. My boss did not treat me well from the moment I started working there. And twice now I walked into a room and thought I was being talked about. I know I have a team of Archangels on my side. I saw a psychic the other day who said I literally had 2 standing right behind me. I know my intentions are always good. So why do I keep sucking in all the bad when people throw it my way? Why do I feel I deserve it? I don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing but kindness and love. That’s all I want to give. And anyone who gives me anything but, that’s on them.
I should make an esteemed effort to look for another job tomorrow. I already applied to 2 so far. My boss is insufferable. I find it challenging and taxing to work with her. And my other coworker has talked about her to me, that she frustrates her a lot, but yet they are so tight when we’re all working together. And my other coworker is like a 2nd boss, as a result. She is a lot better to work with though. She is friendlier and helped me so much when I first started working at the studio.
But I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately, esp while being at work. Mostly because my boss is so terrible. But I want to be more positive about it. I want to get along with her better, but my efforts were all futile so far. And now I don’t even think she likes me for a couple reasons. But she sucks, and a lot of people have a hard time with her and think she sucks. And if Theresa wants to not like me too, she sucks too then. Birds of a feather can suck together.
Making more art lately is very inspiring to me. I just want to make shit. No limitations or standards or expectations at all, solely me expressing the shit out of myself. I’m going to go downstairs and search for food, and then I am thinking about coming back up here to my room and exploring some art ideas.