Monthly Archives: February 2018

Embarrassing class… ugghh…..

One of my classes involves us presenting for a few minutes about how our internship is going every week. And every single week I feel like a fucking idiot. I hate when I talk in front of the group and I feel like I’m fucking shrinking. It’s embarrassing. It makes me angry. I’m sick of it. And then I look at everyone else presenting and they’re fine! They look comfortable and everything. And I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m sick of it. I want to just be a normal fucking person about it. Like just fucking talk like normal. Ugh.

And another thing… I need a second year internship… I have a little over a month left and I need to hustle. Hopefully I will get an interview soon. I’ll have to start applying to a shit ton more sites! Pray I get one asap!!!

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Working on myself, still :-)

I keep thinking these thoughts that people wouldn’t like me, and I’m overcritical of everything I say and do, imagining people are thinking negative things about me. I am constantly obsessing about how I look and compare myself to other people and to my idealized version of how I think I should look. I just looked up Body Dysmorphic Disorder in my DSM-5 (perks of being in therapist school…), and well, it does look like I meet the diagnostic criteria for it, since some of the criteria is preoccupation with

So, how do I fix these pervasive, negative thoughts that I have that are negative about myself and about how I look? I’m going to google some ways to do this. Also, I did find a good app called “Good Blocks” that helps with improving negative thoughts. I’ve used it and I do find it helpful.

Maybe even just 5 minutes a day I can journal words/phrases like, “I am just as good as everyone else” and “I am great”, Idk, stuff like that… that would probably help to counteract the negative thoughts I have all the time. Hmm what else might help… (if anybody reading this has any helpful suggestions, please feel free to comment!)

Another thing that’s been bothering me lately is feeling like other people are not giving me enough personal space. Like, I was at the museum the other day and a lady literally walked right into me, expecting me to move… and I just got so angry that people don’t seem to respect my space lately. Idk if it’s me, or if it’s Boston, or if it’s certain locations, or what? I notice it more in certain stores and places in the area.

I just looked up protecting yourself as an empath and read a couple articles. Eating healthy and drinking lots of water is supposed to be helpful… only thing is I’ve been too lazy to cook at all… maybe I should just get a bunch of frozen veggies and start cooking… I do order too much food… I could just throw it all together with some quinoa and it would still be good… alright, well that was easy to convince myself lol. I think I would feel better about myself too if I was eating healthier.

Okay, I have to get to bed… class in the morning! Good night!

Just Some Thoughts…

It is a rainy Sunday afternoon. I just ordered Indian food. (I have an Indian food problem…) But now I need milk. I might go walk to get some quick before my food arrives… Do I need anything else?? Then I’ll come back and watch the movie I was going to watch. I had a lot I wanted to write about to get it out of my head… Although now, I’m pretty content with just being here, in bed. Lazy Sundays… Like I have no motivation to do a thing… but I am okay with that… as long as I get my reading done by tomorrow for class.

So one thing I wanted to talk about was how I’ve been talking negatively to myself recently and comparing myself to others. It’s bs. It’s been making me feel bad af. Like yesterday for example. I went to the MFA in Boston with a friend I had not seen in 10 years. (I also didn’t feel good in the morning, because I went out and got drinks and they made me take a gross shot I was too drunk to say no to.) But anyway, I ended up feeling better, I just think I want so much more money, yet if I don’t feel like going out and doing deliveries, I settle with whatever money I have. And seeing my friend yesterday who has a boatload of money and just bought a VERY expensive condo… just kept pushing that button of mine that wants more money to be able to do all the things I want to do. I mean, I could go out working today and tomorrow and make an extra $200, but also my car payment is due Friday, and I don’t have money yet to pay for it… I am getting my refund check back 6 days after my car payment is due, so I was going to just pay it then… I don’t think they would repo my car within 6 days of my payment being late…right? I mean, it does make me a little nervous… just because I did get it repo’d not that long ago, then had to pay all this money to get it back. (My grandmother helped me). Maybe I need to look for a job that I like doing, since I’m not proud of doing deliveries. If I got a job in a gallery, that would be awesome. Or nannying. That way I would make sure I would make a certain amount every week, too. So I wouldn’t be allowed to get lazy on myself and not do it. I’ll have to pay my stepdad, great aunt, and grandmother all back what I owe them. I don’t even know what my grandmother’s going to want back. She bought my new brakes and a oil change, – $620; new tires, windshield wipers, new headlight – (Have to look up that amount…), AND she paid to get my repo’d car back which cost over $1,000, maybe up to $2,000… Ugh, once grad school is over I can get a real job and then I can just work! I can’t wait to have enough money to pay my bills and support myself and then some!

Anyway, I’ve just been thinking how I keep telling myself how ugly I am all the time and how I feel that way… I know I could improve how I look, but then I think, “but I don’t know what to do with my hair that would look good… so I end up just feeling blah. I want to be really satisfied with how I look. I keep thinking, once I have all this money, I can go shopping, I can get my hair done… I’ll look awesome lol. (Theoretically, anyway.)

Alright, time for another nap for me… write more later!