So I noticed my skin looks like crap today. And I’m thinking of what I ate today, realizing I ate Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, then truffle fries and soda for lunch… and… that’s it. Oh, and candy and milk later on… Jeeze… that’s awful. I need to eat better… That’s all I ate all day?? Ugh. And I’m starving rn, but it’s also almost 1am and the kitchen is right next to my roommates room, and I don’t want to wake anyone with my food gathering. I definitely can’t cook anything, and I don’t think I have anything that I can grab fast. Ugh. Note to self, buy healthy grab-snacks. Like, broccoli and ranch? Or, cucumber and salt? Idk. Something. Oh, apple, banana… fruit to grab… that would be good. Grapes, yummm…. This is not helping my hunger right now… although it is helping my grocery list later… Wish I got that salad bag yesterday! Okay, must be mindful of how healthy I am eating… at my internship next year, I won’t be able to buy food there anymore like I did this year. I will have to plan ahead!
So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”