Author Archives: thepanicpersona

About thepanicpersona

(Refer to my "About Me" page!)

Noticing my lack of Self Worth

I was looking at doctors online, and I looked at one doctor, and I had this thought, what if she gets upset when her patients and their families get mad at her, and she accepts them getting mad at her, as opposed to another doctor who might not even accept their patients getting upset with them, who might not internalize it per se.

And it made me think of how I get upset when my clients in therapy get mad at me or don’t think I’m doing a good job. I want to be like the people who would never be upset at clients being upset with them. Who would never take it personally. I was thinking when I saw the doctor online and thought that she might take things personally (just a random thought of mine, I don’t know her at all), and I thought, but she’s a doctor, why would she accept that? And the same is true for me as a therapist, I’m (going to be soon) a therapist, why would I accept my clients being upset with me? I want to figure this out and rise above it. If I look at a doctor and think they don’t deserve it, then I don’t deserve it either, right? We are both in our respective professions. Will I ever not accept bad treatment? Do I need to have some kind of epiphany? Some breakthrough to realize something? I guess it’s a good first step that I recognize it is happening and that I want to change it.

On an unrelated matter, I should look into seeing a therapist myself. Someone outside of school that my health insurance would cover, someone good! I should look into that…

 

 

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New Plan

Ugh. Getting everything out rn. Feeling so frustrated lately. Feeling unhappy off and on. Feel crabby. It’s 11:43pm, still kinda early (for me…).

I have been obsessing over my looks again… I need to just learn to let shit go? Been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and yes it’s been fun, mostly. I just have been bringing myself down by obsessing over my looks. Obsessing over not looking exactly how I want to look. I feel broken.

I was thinking about this guy I used to like (if you’ve read my previous posts, you probably know who I’m talking about…), and I was thinking how perfect I think he is, and wondering how he thinks of himself. I was imagining just telling him how perfect he is, and that he should just accept it about himself. But then I was thinking, “what if someone thought that about me?”

Again, I feel like I’m broken.

I wish I could accept myself how I am without thinking I need to be better somehow. I feel like my head is too small. I have these weird thoughts of thinking my energy needs to be “clearer”. I wish I could just LOVE and APPRECIATE myself where I am at. Some days are better than others. Since moving to Boston, it’s been rough for me. The transition was hard. Now that I’ve made new friends and am establishing myself more, it’s been a little better. Maybe I should write more. I used to write a lot. Maybe my expectations have gotten out of whack. Maybe my expectations about everything and especially anything to do with myself, are out of whack. Like why should I tell myself I should look like a supermodel. Not everyone does. It’s such an unloving thing to tell myself. I should just love myself how I am. It’s so easy to love others for who they are, and appreciate their uniqueness. Yet why is it so hard for me to love myself? Accept myself the way I am. Not feel like when someone rejects me like it’s because I’m not good enough. When that guy rejected me, I really felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like that’s why he rejected me. I wasn’t pretty enough, glowy enough, social enough, charming enough, popular enough… the list goes on. Maybe I’m just projecting that onto him, however, considering the law of attraction, doesn’t that mean then that I can’t possibly attract someone who think the world of me, if I don’t think that about myself? Although, I did it before…

So anyway, I need to stop this problem of thinking I don’t look good enough: maybe I can actively point out the positives, choose to accept the things I don’t like as much. Accept and focus on positives, new plan.

CBT Work from Today…

So I got done hanging out with a friend for the past 24+ hrs and I honestly feel a little bad. I enjoyed my time, but some of my own issues came up.

We went to the beach, and after being at the beach for hours, I noticed she got kind of more quiet. I started to feel the energy just kind of dull more. Naturally, I started talking a little more. She did not reciprocate. Of course, we were both beat after several hours of laying on the beach and being in the hot sun. But I started to internalize this dip in the mood. I took her response personally. I started to feel BAD.

And when we got in the car, she quickly turned the radio on and up quite loud, honestly to the point where it was slightly uncomfortable for me. Which generally I don’t do if I have people in the car, because it kind of inhibits conversation, and it’s almost a way to say, “I don’t want to talk to you right now”, or at least I took it that way, or at least considered it a possibility.

So anyway… We get back to her place, we each shower, get ready… I feel the mood has lifted for both of us at this point. We go to the restaurant… food was great, she loved the place I recommended… music was cool too (live salsa music). Things are better.

But I hate internalizing this dip in mood and her dip in the way she is treating me. I know it is me opening myself up to it, whereas before I was not. I don’t want to ever do that. I want to always keep my confidence in that situation.

So, how can I feel better about the situation? What can I say to myself to make myself not feel bad over it?

When someone treats me badly, I feel badly. I want to not do this, not just about her… So what can I tell myself to feel better.

“They’re not being very pleasant at all right now, and that’s undesirable in a person. I’m glad I don’t act like that. I’m really pleasant to people, almost always. I can do something else/think about something else/go somewhere else/talk to someone else. I can focus on what makes me happy, cuz this doesn’t. I certainly don’t have to accept it and feel bad. They’re the ones who are being unpleasant, not me. That’s just who they are. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

I want to feel better about being treated like garbage. “They have feelings, they’re allowed to feel crappy and want space or whatever they want…”

I also want to feel better about having a small face/head… I get insecure about it… and she looks so much bigger and more confident or whatever. But I guess I have my own look, doesn’t have to be a certain way.

 

Venting about my terrible diet lately…

So I noticed my skin looks like crap today. And I’m thinking of what I ate today, realizing I ate Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, then truffle fries and soda for lunch… and… that’s it. Oh, and candy and milk later on… Jeeze… that’s awful. I need to eat better… That’s all I ate all day?? Ugh. And I’m starving rn, but it’s also almost 1am and the kitchen is right next to my roommates room, and I don’t want to wake anyone with my food gathering. I definitely can’t cook anything, and I don’t think I have anything that I can grab fast. Ugh. Note to self, buy healthy grab-snacks. Like, broccoli and ranch? Or, cucumber and salt? Idk. Something. Oh, apple, banana… fruit to grab… that would be good. Grapes, yummm…. This is not helping my hunger right now… although it is helping my grocery list later… Wish I got that salad bag yesterday! Okay, must be mindful of how healthy I am eating… at my internship next year, I won’t be able to buy food there anymore like I did this year. I will have to plan ahead!

My Day Today

So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”

Random Thoughts Lately and me Re-evaluating My Life?

So a lot has happened recently, and it’s making me rethink a lot. Should I be different? Should I talk more? Express myself more? All these questions and thoughts make me feel exhausted, honestly.

I feel so ready for a relationship again. I want it NOW. I went out today across town and saw so many attractive men. I’m like, should I be more assertive, more confident? Idk. Or should I just be how I’ve always been, because the right person will be perfect for me? So many questions without any answers. The game of life. I want a relationship to be easy, to be obvious, to be natural, to feel right, to feel good, to feel peaceful.

I’ve been seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34 on the clock constantly lately. Numerous times a day, often. That has to be a good sign, right?

I’m so excited for the right person to show up for me. I don’t know when, but I feel so ready, I’m expecting it any moment now. Image result for upside down smiley  I’m not attached to any one person, I just know I want it and I want it ASAP. I’m excited for summer to come. I’m excited spring weather is FINALLY here!!! I’m excited to move to my own apartment in September! I want someone to spend my time with, someone to be able to have deep conversations with, someone to be affectionate with, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with and do all the fun things couples do! Go on dates with! Someone to share everything with! I love having someone to spoil and love and say sweet things to, and laugh and play with. And someone who loves me back! I know that it will come, it’s just a matter of when. And I know it’s not everything, and I do want other things, but I want that a lot too. Maybe even if it’s something short term, I’m thinking even just something for fun for a little while. I feel like the past few years have taught me to be more chilled out, relationship wise. To not let things bother me like they used to.

I suppose I have a lot of self-doubt at times. Some insecurities or what not. Like I’m questioning, should I be acting different? And I’ve been having these anxieties related to working at my internship with the social aspect of it. But who really cares about that so much? I just want to get my hours done. Yes, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, but it’s only another few weeks left. Anyway, I’m going to meditate and go to sleep. More work in the morning, at least the worst part is over!!! Hopefully I can get 2 papers done by tomorrow night!! Image result for fingers crossed emojiThat will be great to submit them both tomorrow night!! Alright, well goodnight, all!

P.S. Life is such a learning process…

Obsessing Thoughts about How I Look…

I just want to fix these thoughts that I recurringly have that bring me DOWN…

I fixate on how I look so much it’s unhealthy. I was thinking, once I get my hair cut the way I want it (a long bob), then I can just do it the same way everyday and not have to think about whether I like it or not. So that will be one thing out of the way.

Then there’s how I look in general where I judge myself when I look at other people, other females that I see on the streets of my city. Other females who look so good the way they’re dressed, and so confident. And as soon as I see anyone like that, I immediately compare myself and think I look less than them, I look not as confident, not as good, not as high energy, and every day I get dressed is a constant struggle to look “good enough”. Do other people experience this? What thoughts can I tell myself to get rid of these thoughts?

Maybe I can just get ready in the morning, do the best I can, and then say to myself, I like how I like, this looks good, I am okay and good with this, and then if I see another female on the street who looks really good, I can also say, I have the potential to look even better than I do, especially when I finish school and I’m working full time and I can have a lot more money to spend on clothes and how I look. But I can also say, I do like how I look now though, and it’s okay, and there are always going to be people I think look really good, and vice versa. Everyone is unique. I don’t want to hate myself for how I look when there are people who look all different ways and I don’t hate them or judge them for looking how they look, so I should treat myself the same.

Okay, I think I feel better now. Have to get to sleep… Night!