I’m just going to write. Idk what to write about in particular. I set my timer for 15 minutes. But then I just sat here for 2 minutes. I feel so bored lately. There are things I want to do, but then I don’t actually feel super interested in doing them. Like the books I am reading. I started 2 of them in the past few days, but I feel like to get myself to actually sit and read them, even though I want to read them, I guess I don’t want to read them that badly. And there’s a million things I could do with my time. At any given moment, I can hardly get myself to figure out which thing to choose to do, because there’s just so many.
Anyway. There’s a lot I could type about too. Like the 3 guys I’m thinking about that I am not on good terms with. All for completely different reasons. They were actually all romantic interests at one time or another. But now I have since deleted and/or blocked them all on Facebook. 1 is married, and our connection is just too deep for me to be okay with accepting his friend request and finding out he just got his wife pregnant. It was like a grenade went off in my heart. I have no idea how he feels about all of this. But once I found that out I realized he is really committed to her and wants to be with her forever, and having a baby with someone is a big deal. Anyway though, I don’t want to dwell on it, it’s bringing me down. The 2nd one I liked a lot, and I thought he might like me back too, but I felt he was also pushing me away at times, and wasn’t giving me much back and it hurt me and I didn’t want to talk to him at all at a point. And our connection was inconsistent so sometimes we weren’t getting along and sometimes we were. Up and down up and down. And at the reception for my class’s artwork, he didn’t even want to talk to me at all, he wanted to completely ignore me. Which, I felt the same way at first, but I didn’t actually ignore him. I spoke to him right away. And he wouldn’t even look at me. And it was a few months after that that I deleted him as a friend on fb. Even though after the reception he liked every one of my profile pictures, as if saying, we are cool. But it all built up to so much that I was literally having bad dreams about him and feeling so horrible. And I was under so much stress with job interviews and feeling bad about myself that I was still working where I was that it made me want to delete him because I was so upset that he wasn’t giving me back what I was giving him and I felt rejected and bad about myself. Now it’s January 1st and of course we are not talking still. But I think about him all the time. And I think about how I can reconcile it, and wonder if he will message me one day or if we will run into each other some time. I really don’t know what to do or how to play this. I fantasize about being with him in the future. He’s the only person I see myself with yet I deleted him off of fb… Soo yeah. I talked to my friend about it before and she said to just send him a friend request, maybe send him a message and ask how he is. But I want him to initiate. Because I took so many steps toward initiating and he didn’t reciprocate. So I guess we’ll wait? It’s like a game though. To see who gives out quicker. It’s stupid. And although I like him a lot and feel a great connection… I didn’t get enough back from him… and he ignored me the last time I saw him… So I have reasons to not be the one to initiate, but so does he… Okay, well on to 3.
3 is a guy I met before Halloween. I was feeling good in my life. I met him, we dated for a bit, I liked him, but I didn’t get enough back from him either. He would ignore my messages for so long. Like he didn’t care or wasn’t interested or something. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was pissing me off. So I stopped talking to him. But I miss our friendship too. But despite how I feel I have to keep reminding myself that he was making me feel bad and he wasn’t giving me enough. Even though when I was with him he seemed like a perfectly nice guy and a good person. But he made me feel so ignored all the time.
So other than guys. I would like to focus on positives. I have to get my hamster out of her ball quick though… brb.
So I don’t know. I’ve been typing for a while. Sometimes free-writing is really good for me. Right now though I don’t feel like I want to write. I don’t feel a particular compulsion to write anything. And I’m so low on money right now it’s depressing. My account is going to get overdrawn on Tuesday when my car insurance automatically comes out, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I went out on NYE and it was stupid because I ended up spending a lot of money on alcohol and the clubs. Ended up just getting really sick. And being mostly bored. But I went out because I already told my friend I would, and I didn’t want to cheat her of her NYE. But my next paycheck is also not going to be much at all, since I had this whole past week off and the previous week I was sick for 2 days, so I didn’t get paid for that.
Okay, well I keep on getting side tracked so I’m going to end this rant here… G’night!