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Embarrassing class… ugghh…..

One of my classes involves us presenting for a few minutes about how our internship is going every week. And every single week I feel like a fucking idiot. I hate when I talk in front of the group and I feel like I’m fucking shrinking. It’s embarrassing. It makes me angry. I’m sick of it. And then I look at everyone else presenting and they’re fine! They look comfortable and everything. And I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m sick of it. I want to just be a normal fucking person about it. Like just fucking talk like normal. Ugh.

And another thing… I need a second year internship… I have a little over a month left and I need to hustle. Hopefully I will get an interview soon. I’ll have to start applying to a shit ton more sites! Pray I get one asap!!!


Working on myself, still :-)

I keep thinking these thoughts that people wouldn’t like me, and I’m overcritical of everything I say and do, imagining people are thinking negative things about me. I am constantly obsessing about how I look and compare myself to other people and to my idealized version of how I think I should look. I just looked up Body Dysmorphic Disorder in my DSM-5 (perks of being in therapist school…), and well, it does look like I meet the diagnostic criteria for it, since some of the criteria is preoccupation with

So, how do I fix these pervasive, negative thoughts that I have that are negative about myself and about how I look? I’m going to google some ways to do this. Also, I did find a good app called “Good Blocks” that helps with improving negative thoughts. I’ve used it and I do find it helpful.

Maybe even just 5 minutes a day I can journal words/phrases like, “I am just as good as everyone else” and “I am great”, Idk, stuff like that… that would probably help to counteract the negative thoughts I have all the time. Hmm what else might help… (if anybody reading this has any helpful suggestions, please feel free to comment!)

Another thing that’s been bothering me lately is feeling like other people are not giving me enough personal space. Like, I was at the museum the other day and a lady literally walked right into me, expecting me to move… and I just got so angry that people don’t seem to respect my space lately. Idk if it’s me, or if it’s Boston, or if it’s certain locations, or what? I notice it more in certain stores and places in the area.

I just looked up protecting yourself as an empath and read a couple articles. Eating healthy and drinking lots of water is supposed to be helpful… only thing is I’ve been too lazy to cook at all… maybe I should just get a bunch of frozen veggies and start cooking… I do order too much food… I could just throw it all together with some quinoa and it would still be good… alright, well that was easy to convince myself lol. I think I would feel better about myself too if I was eating healthier.

Okay, I have to get to bed… class in the morning! Good night!

Just Some Thoughts…

It is a rainy Sunday afternoon. I just ordered Indian food. (I have an Indian food problem…) But now I need milk. I might go walk to get some quick before my food arrives… Do I need anything else?? Then I’ll come back and watch the movie I was going to watch. I had a lot I wanted to write about to get it out of my head… Although now, I’m pretty content with just being here, in bed. Lazy Sundays… Like I have no motivation to do a thing… but I am okay with that… as long as I get my reading done by tomorrow for class.

So one thing I wanted to talk about was how I’ve been talking negatively to myself recently and comparing myself to others. It’s bs. It’s been making me feel bad af. Like yesterday for example. I went to the MFA in Boston with a friend I had not seen in 10 years. (I also didn’t feel good in the morning, because I went out and got drinks and they made me take a gross shot I was too drunk to say no to.) But anyway, I ended up feeling better, I just think I want so much more money, yet if I don’t feel like going out and doing deliveries, I settle with whatever money I have. And seeing my friend yesterday who has a boatload of money and just bought a VERY expensive condo… just kept pushing that button of mine that wants more money to be able to do all the things I want to do. I mean, I could go out working today and tomorrow and make an extra $200, but also my car payment is due Friday, and I don’t have money yet to pay for it… I am getting my refund check back 6 days after my car payment is due, so I was going to just pay it then… I don’t think they would repo my car within 6 days of my payment being late…right? I mean, it does make me a little nervous… just because I did get it repo’d not that long ago, then had to pay all this money to get it back. (My grandmother helped me). Maybe I need to look for a job that I like doing, since I’m not proud of doing deliveries. If I got a job in a gallery, that would be awesome. Or nannying. That way I would make sure I would make a certain amount every week, too. So I wouldn’t be allowed to get lazy on myself and not do it. I’ll have to pay my stepdad, great aunt, and grandmother all back what I owe them. I don’t even know what my grandmother’s going to want back. She bought my new brakes and a oil change, – $620; new tires, windshield wipers, new headlight – (Have to look up that amount…), AND she paid to get my repo’d car back which cost over $1,000, maybe up to $2,000… Ugh, once grad school is over I can get a real job and then I can just work! I can’t wait to have enough money to pay my bills and support myself and then some!

Anyway, I’ve just been thinking how I keep telling myself how ugly I am all the time and how I feel that way… I know I could improve how I look, but then I think, “but I don’t know what to do with my hair that would look good… so I end up just feeling blah. I want to be really satisfied with how I look. I keep thinking, once I have all this money, I can go shopping, I can get my hair done… I’ll look awesome lol. (Theoretically, anyway.)

Alright, time for another nap for me… write more later!

Halloween Party at my House Tonight…

So I don’t even know what to say… so I’m just going to free-write right now. Lately, my thoughts have been so confusing… all over the place… And right now, my roommates and I are having a Halloween party at my apartment. It is still loud and chaotic outside of my bedroom door right now. My friend fell asleep on my bed. I’m up typing. I would really like to brush my teeth and get water. But I put lounge clothes on, and Idk if I want to face the crowd in order to do that. I have been so into my thoughts lately. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in my head a lot, lonely… I know moving is stressful, and especially moving to a city where I started public transportation, with the addition of starting a grad program, and a new job. And a new apartment, with 3 roommates. Everything in my life is new. And making money was scaring me too. I’m doing this DoorDash thing where I’m making deliveries. The job itself wasn’t attractive to me, but my roommate makes almost $30 an hour. I really can’t beat that right now… And it’s super convenient. I can go out and dash on call. And dash for an hour… or 4 hours… and I can stop at any point randomly, and it doesn’t penalize me at all. I also started meditating every day. Although meditating right now seems weird since I’ve had some alcohol.

Well I just finished a 15 minute meditation session and it was completely ineffective. I couldn’t focus for s***.

Idk what I’ll do tomorrow. I feel so depressed lately. I don’t feel strong lately. I feel out of it. I think having money coming back in will help to feel better, for sure. I just have to get the rest of December’s rent, which I’m only a few hundred away from… And then I have all of November and December to save up for January and February’s rent.

Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. My friend is asleep on my bed, Idk if I want to lay next to her, because I’m currently sleeping on an air mattress, and it’ll probably be loud when I lay down. I feel so out of it right now. Meeting all these new people and observing and thinking about the way they perceive life and the different dynamics that exist in life is freaking me out lately. I feel un-centered and unbalanced. I don’t feel like myself lately. Do I even remember what that feels like? I’ve been oversleeping like crazy every day. I just keep wanting to go to sleep.

Positive Aspects of Beginning my First Internship Tomorrow

So I’m tired, and I am starting my internship tomorrow. I’m trying to make a list of positives, because I am nervous, and it is so late, and I am not going to get enough sleep as is 😦 . But I was up organizing my room in my new apartment, and I desperately needed to. It was a mess with stuff piled everywhere and boxes stacked on top of one another.

1.) I get to enjoy a relaxing drive in my car, instead of taking public transportation.

2.) I am beginning a new professional journey, and now I will have stuff to talk about at my clinical class Wednesday!

3.) I am going to learn so much.

4.) My supervisor seems super nice.

5.) I get to help kids in difficult, crisis situations, and feel like my job is very rewarding.

6.) It will be 8 months. That’s not even that long… Idk if that’s a positive or not… but…

7.) It is only 2 days a week.

8.) Everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow.

9.) I am spending my time doing something incredibly valuable. What else would I really rather do? (Other than just for pleasure…)

10.) Imagine how good I’m going to feel when I’m done tomorrow. Day 2 on Thursday will be so much easier!

I am Really Happy/Joyous/Ecstatic About This!

(This is actually me using Abraham Hicks’ Focus Wheel process to change my negative mindset about this into a positive one. So here it goes.)


*Just stating inside the vortex goal shifts your energy

*”You have to focus. You can’t be limp and all over the place. You have to FOCUS.”


1.) What is meant for me is far greater than what is not meant for me.

2.) I’m thrilled at knowing that the relationship that I’ve created is available and ready for my discovery.

3.) I love the idea that what I want is ready for me.

4.) It’s certain that it’s coming, and it doesn’t matter when it comes because I know it’s coming.

5.) I believe in the power of the vortex and I believe in my power to get in.




Random-Ass Musings.

I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.

I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.

I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…

A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.

My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.

I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!

I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.

Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.

Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…