Quick Post

Ahh wine and ice cream and writing in my blog. So much in my head, all the time.Image result for upside down smiley emoji Crazy train. I know I really should stay focused on only the important things, the things that are good for me. But I was just in the shower and I thought about how I see myself with this one person in the future, yet right now, we don’t talk, and if I even saw him, I don’t even see us having a good, positive time. Maybe I should visualize us meeting, greeting and getting along. And honestly everything he does makes me mad or upset. Like how could we even formulate anything, when he would always be irritating me or something. I just want a relationship again, and I am ready for it NOW. Two of my friends just shacked up recently. I have to be totally okay with everything, like for example him wanting and being with someone else, everything. I am obsessing…

I am going to meditate and go to sleep… Good night!

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Random Ramblings

I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!

Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times.  That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.

Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.

I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.

I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.

Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂

If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂

 

Positivity!

I can get back to peace and joy and love and self-confidence. I can get anywhere I want to go from where I am. Tuesday turned out to be a good day. I had some good moments. I’m not looking back, because I’m not going that way. I can start tomorrow as a brand new day. I can set my intention to having a great day. Colleen can finish her artwork, I will have one more piece of art to hang up. Maybe I can even run a group myself around 3, since Molly isn’t there, that way I can have more mandalas made? Anyway, I can get myself exited in the morning, listen to music I like on the way home. Then I am done in 8 hours from then. Even fewer hours than that really, since I will leave for lunch. I should do meditations in the morning too. Before I leave, for like 10-20 minutes.

Alright, this was a short post, but I gotta get to sleep… I’m exhausted.

You know what, I’m doin alright…

You know what, I’m doin alright… I’ve been havin lots of thoughts lately, and it would probably serve me well to meditate and to exercise, and yet I have not done enough of either. Although, I do have to give myself credit for the fact that I have been meditating here and there… I’ll do it before I go to bed. I suppose I do “quiet my thoughts” in some way every day.

I’m sick of acting like I don’t care. I’m sick of crawling out of bed, and being in a low-vibe, “barely there” mood to my graduate classes. It’s not my best self, not even halfway. It’s not the kind of therapist I want to be. I’m sick of being down. I’m sick of being moody or irritated or low-vibe. It’s bullshit. I want to be good at what I do. I want to be into it, be positive, be happy again. Idk what’s been going on with me lately. I feel like I used to be so positive about stuff.. Like I was so positive to start grad school and felt like happy was my default, I remember thinking that on my way into work one day… then idk what happened… internship got the best of me… the fact that I just kind of float around, without much direction… it just started to get to me. But I guess I can fix that somehow. I want to get back to my happy self. I want to enjoy things. I want to have fun. I want to quietly contemplate, or whatever. I guess I spend all my time working? And not enough time enjoying? Or maybe I need to just appreciate any moment I have of non-work?

Idk, but internship tomorrow, and I want to make it fun!

Okay, well, must get to sleep now… Good night! xo

Ranting…men need to disappear out of my life…

Lately I’ve been thinking I have a lot to write about, many separate topics to write about individually. And right now, I feel like I could just free-write in general and see where that goes.

There’s so much I could end up talking about, so I guess it’ll be fun for anyone reading this to discover where this blog post ends up taking me. Ugh, so there’s this guy I work with at my internship. Out of nowhere, he has gained my attention. I don’t even know how?? At first, I thought, okay, he’s average-looking, not a big deal to me, didn’t feel much of a connection, then not that long ago, all of a sudden I’m feeling this crazy-intense connection with him, and now I’m getting crazy nervous whenever he’s around. It’s kind of fun in a way, because I haven’t felt like this in a years. Nobody has grabbed my attention like he has since the last guy, and I haven’t seen the last guy in a year… The last guy ended up being nothing to me. I told him how I felt about him, and he apparently didn’t give a fuck, since he didn’t even want to open and read my facebook message until 3 days later when I told him to go fuck himself, that’s when he opened it and wrote me a long email (since I blocked him on Facebook) apologizing and what not. But it was too late. I felt completely mortified. And this was all after we had gone to Paris together for my study abroad trip and he had his knee on mine under the table.   But as I’m typing all this, I realize, I’m blowing this all up… it doesn’t have to continue to be this big deal to me. I’m glad I blocked him, because I don’t need him as a distraction in my life anymore. And now that experience is teaching me to not let a guy into my emotions and mind as quickly as I did before, and it has grounded me. Now I met this guy I’m working with now… And out of nowhere he has shown up and I feel this crazy connection and it’s starting again,…. the visualizing… the fantasizing… when in REALITY when I left work last Thursday, I felt awful and I felt like somewhat of a failure because I was feeling so down and disconnected and, as a result, I felt so distanced from him (and everyone else around me). I left there not even remotely feeling connected to him. We barely speak. I barely work with him. We don’t work closely with one another. I feel like I get this face on where I look angry and it pushes him away and pushes everyone away. I get in these moods where I feel so down at work. I feel bipolar. And he’s all Mr. Popular and socializes with everyone constantly. And I’m just an intern, so I don’t interact with everyone as much, I don’t have the opportunity to. And he’s going to a baseball game with one of the female therapists, and his parents have seats next to her. Is it a date? Ugh. My initial impression was that it wasn’t a date, because she’s bigger and I just didn’t think he’d be inter her, but I have no idea. And I feel so unattractive sometimes. And I have these mood swings and I feel like how could be possibly be into me with my mood swings. And I think to myself, “I would date him”, and yet I don’t show that to him whatsoever, and like I said, we barely talk. And I have no idea what he thinks. And I’m terrified of getting hurt again, and I want to avoid it at all costs. But I can’t avoid him because I work with him. And I can’t hide how I feel because it shows on my face. And do other people have these insecurities? He comes off as so confident to me. Maybe I come off as so confident to him. I don’t want to get distracted by men. And now I can’t avoid him. And I didn’t want to be in this situation again where I’m thinking of a man and IDK if he gives a f about me or not. I can easily imagine him not giving an f. And he pursued going to this baseball game with the therapist so hard. And he got his haircut and I don’t like it and he was wearing this jacket the other night and I don’t like it at all either. And I still think about this other man from a year ago and still imagine we would have this thing together at some point and I’m confused. I know for sure one thing: I am not going to pursue anything with any man. I can be happy thinking about the fact that I’m only going to be there another 2 months. That’s 8 weeks. What will happen or change in 8 weeks? Anything? Nothing? Will I just end my internship and nothing will change? Fine. I know I cannot pursue anything with anyone. And this internship… Ugh it is so hard for me to stay in the “vortex” (consult “Abraham Hicks vortex”) while I’m at internship sometimes, most of the time. And it is so weird that I think about him so heavily when I’m not there and when I am there we don’t speak much at all and have this weird thing. I’m just going to continue working on myself for a while. I’m excited I have off tomorrow, nothing to do!!! Maybe from now on I can just work 1 day per week? All day and make $300? Then that’s it for the week? No, that’s not enough… I just want to pay my May’s rent asap. When can I do that? I should plan this out.

Working through panic and anxiety

So I had a panic attack at work last Thursday. It was pretty bad. I got pretty low. I mostly felt panicked at how low I felt and how I felt my face was looking angry. The look on my face has been something that has bothered me for a long time now, but I didn’t know what to do about it for a long time. I think the best thing I can do now is distract myself and keep shifting my focus away from it and on to something else as best I can. The word “bipolar” popped into my head the other day when I was meeting with the treatment team at my internship, and Idk where it came from. I wonder if I do appear bipolar to people at my internship, because sometimes I can seem pretty high and sometimes I get quite low.  I mean, it is what it is, of course. I don’t want to come off that way, I want to be more even tempered. I do not want to dip as low as I have been. When I do dip, it gets very, very low… I mean I felt absolutely lifeless last Thursday. I was having horrible panic attacks… and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to be around anyone. Now I feel that I would go be around people and try to talk to people, at least so I’m not alone, and I think that would make me feel better. I worked on my CBT over the weekend and came up with some helpful thoughts I can think, such as “it’s only 1 day I have to get through at a time”, “I can get up and go anywhere, go take a walk, go to Molly’s office, go anywhere…go to the bathroom…walk around anywhere…I can even leave if I really feel I need to…”, “do not panic unless there is an actual need to panic”, “I have a life outside of St. *****’S. I was also panicking at the difference in how people and the kids are perceiving me and treating me from when I’m happy to when I’m down. I can also enjoy my drive up there in the morning, which is a long drive… and make sure I get up early enough in the morning to have enough time to get ready. This will reduce my anxiety. Also bringing a lunch will be nice.

I also keep having these self-criticizing thoughts that are very persistent and constant. I think meditation will help them.

I keep having this excessive paranoia that people are not liking me… I imagine them saying negative things about me behind my back… etc…

So in the morning I can ask Jenny if she talked to *** about doing groups…

Embarrassing class… ugghh…..

One of my classes involves us presenting for a few minutes about how our internship is going every week. And every single week I feel like a fucking idiot. I hate when I talk in front of the group and I feel like I’m fucking shrinking. It’s embarrassing. It makes me angry. I’m sick of it. And then I look at everyone else presenting and they’re fine! They look comfortable and everything. And I feel like a fucking idiot. I’m sick of it. I want to just be a normal fucking person about it. Like just fucking talk like normal. Ugh.

And another thing… I need a second year internship… I have a little over a month left and I need to hustle. Hopefully I will get an interview soon. I’ll have to start applying to a shit ton more sites! Pray I get one asap!!!