Really Hard Times

I’m going to write for at least 10 minutes, so until 1:42am.

I’ve been meaning every day to write. I write a to-do list almost every day, sometimes each list carries over into the next day. I have a list I wrote Christmas day or the day before, but I still have items I have yet to complete, such as my grad school applications. Even just 1. I could make it a goal to finish all 3 before the break ends. I would still have 7 days to finish them. It’s a very realistic goal, but I have not brought myself to even start any of the 3 yet, for some reason. Lately, I have been feeling very angry, and very depressed. I think maybe I should start talking to that counselor again. I would have to pay $100 for the month, but it would be worth it, I think. But with my bills, I would have to see if I can even afford that right now. My motivation lately has been so shitty. I have not wanted to do anything. It’s miserable. All I want to do is lay in bed. Yet when I lay in bed for long periods of time, and fall asleep, when I wake up again, I’m depressed, because all I’ve been doing is sleeping, and I’m not waking up to there being anything to do.

I feel different lately. Like, although I’ve been feeling overall depressed, and down, I still feel this feeling of being clearer than I’ve felt before. Like it’s easier for me to pop out of bed and feel like I don’t need an hour to feel “normal”. Yet I still feel this feeling of not wanting to do anything. Even the things that normally interest me, like mandala paintings or knitting or watching movies, like I just feel like I’m fighting everything. Like I refuse to do anything. And I feel so angry. I want somewhere to put it. To kill someone or something. I feel so angry because finding out he got his wife pregnant was more painful than I could have ever imagined. Even though I know that wouldn’t help me.

I keep thinking back to I should talk to the counselor again. She seemed really helpful. And it was really good to get everything out. Lately though, every time I go to write down what I want to do, I don’t feel like I actually have any energy lately to want to do anything. Which is depressing as fuck. Man I just feel so angry. In general too. And sick. And unhealthy. And dirty. And I don’t feel like I want to shower. I haven’t written in my gratitude journal in a long time. I will do that after this. It’s not that I don’t want to help myself, it’s just that I’ve had a really hard time lately. I just feel terrible. I want to be better. I want to be happy and healthy and active and appreciating life and growing and expanding, but it is not happening lately. I just want to feel at peace, happy and understanding of the situation that has caused me so much pain. I want that more than anything. And I believe that if I set my intention to that, that I could try really hard to accomplish that.

Spirit, please be with me and give me strength, insight, understanding, inspiration, hope, energy, self love, self compassion, and please help to motivate me to continue on.

I actually think I feel a little better after writing for a little while. Maybe I should make this a nightly thing. I think signing back up for online counseling with BetterHelp.com will help too. It’s so good to have someone to talk to about everything going on with me. I just hope to God to find peace and happiness through all of this.

Have a good night xo

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Trying to get myself to do ANYTHING

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Writing what?

I make lists of things to do so that I don’t continually find myself in this predicament with nothing to do or no desire to do it. But I find myself with no desire to do anything all the time and then what I want to do most is just sit here. I think about building my hamster a new tunnel system so she has a nice house in there and feels safe. But getting the motivation to do it? I guess I don’t want to do it that bad.

It’s a really good feeling to have a desire to do something. And then to start doing it. I have no such desire to do anything. Inspiration is a great feeling. Maybe I’ll just go shower. Then maybe I’ll look up something cool to make or do. Maybe. Showering sounds good though. I’ve been feeling super creative and wanting to make stuff.

A poem for you.

(I just had to get some anger out about a person. Pardon my French.)

There aren’t enough English choice words

that would adequately express my feelings towards you.

I hate you.

I don’t wish you well.

I hate you.

I do not want anything to do with you.

I do not want to see you ever again.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Did you get that? Or do you want me to repeat it.

You pissed me off a lot shortly after I met you.

But I still liked you.

And when your birthday came around, I showed you how much I cared.

Then, you pushed me away.

I felt rejected, I felt pushed away, I felt stupid.

You fucking prick. I hate you.

And your friend was an asshole to me.

And you didn’t even notice.

And then you got pissed at me for not wanting to hang out with her.

Fuck you.

And you ignored me completely. Fuck you. You fucking asshole. Fuck you. I hate you.

So many times you pushed me away and ignored me. Fuck you.

 

Graduation Commencement Tomorrow

I can’t wait for commencement to be over.

I want to fix these thoughts that have been going on in my head. But there’s so much going on. I know meditation is really good for you and I should do it often, but I haven’t in a long time. Maybe if I make it a point to do in the morning. Idk I’ve been so averse to it, when I know it’s so good for me.

Noel has been flooding my thoughts lately. Ever since rehearsal when I caught her taking that photo of me on Snapchat and sending it to someone. Okay, so she’s a bitch. I’ve accepted that. Why does shit affect me so much and other people can just brush shit off.

I also keep thinking about how there’s really no one at Commencement that I really have an urge to talk to. Nobody I really even want to sit next to. But a positive is that at least I know a lot of people. And am acquaintances with them. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore, and it makes me insecure. I know some people think I stare, but I never mean to. It makes me feel like shit.

Alright, I’m going to bed. I think my birth control might be partly responsible for making me feel so irritable too.

Thanks for reading. xo

 

So I Scheduled a Counseling Appt

Lately I’ve been having trouble with paranoia. Thinking that everyone is talking about me or thinking negative things about me. Specifically that people are talking about how I “stare a lot” and that they’re creeped out by me. It’s been bothering me a lot lately. I went to my rehearsal today for graduation and one girl was there who bothered me a lot. I think she took a Snapchat photo of me and sent it to her friend. Why are girls so interested in me and in being so mean? It taints my whole perception of people and makes me not want to socialize with anyone.

I feel so unlikable. Another thing I’ve been paranoid about lately. Just everyone not liking me. And there were certain people I decided to myself that I unconditionally liked. People who just seemed like really good people. But even them I’m worried don’t like me.

I had this idealistic expectation that I could be friends with so many people, but even though I made it a point over the last year to socialize more, I realized a couple things:

1.) I can talk all I want, but that isn’t necessarily going to change the chemistry I have with someone. If I get a good or bad vibe initially, it tends to stay that way. Talking doesn’t change how much I clique with someone.

2.) I did become friendly with many people, but I also found that if I didn’t keep it up, then it was all for naught. I kept thinking to myself, “I talked a lot earlier, now I’m not…”

3.) Talking more did keep me engaged at times.

4.) Even though I talked a lot, it didn’t change who became a real friend or not. I really don’t have friends like I used to. I remember at one point in my life, I remember thinking to myself, “I have a lot of friends”. I would have people over and I had a lot of people to invite who were genuinely real friends of mine. Now, I don’t have any. Although, I also didn’t have much of an opportunity to go out at night at all, because I had to be up early every day. And everyone at school is an hour away. But I joined Zeta Omicron, went to some social events there, and I went to Vienna and socialized with everyone there too. But it didn’t seem to make much of a real difference after all. I didn’t really become close with anyone. And some of my attempts ended up failing, because talking isn’t the only remedy to making friends.

When I was in Vienna, I hung out with Jenna a lot. Back in the states, when I first got back, I felt so depressed for some reason. And she and I did not clique like we did. I guess we didn’t really get along as people. She’s another person I don’t trust. I never used to have these trust issues. Or maybe I just dismissed them, idk. But at the art reception from our Vienna trip, she just ignored me, and I was right in front of her. Even Audrey didn’t immediately seem interested in seeing me. Idk how else to say it, but I just have a difficult time socially, and it has always been the one thing that has brought me down in the past.

Maybe I just shouldn’t put any stock into my social life at all. Maybe in having zero expectations I wouldn’t be let down anymore. Or at least bring my social expectations way down. It’s okay if I find friends to be rare. That’s just how I’m built.

Well it’s getting late and I have to get to bed… Thanks for reading.

xo night!

 

11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo

Ramblings and Discord

Uhhh… Life. Ugh. I know it’s normal to be nervous when I’m about to graduate college and get a real job. (Even if I am 27.) But I feel so loaded with insecurities lately. I have this sculpture class that has been bothering me lately. And actually all my classes are kind of boring and a bummer. Not that there aren’t highlights, because there are, but still. And I’ve been thinking about my social status. I wonder if other people think about their social status as much as I do. Because omg, I am obsessed. I feel like so much of my life is focused on others, and not in a positive way. Like it drags me down. I want to think about myself in a positive social way. I want to view myself in a positive way when it comes to socializing. So what gets me down about it? Situations where I feel I am excluded, or like I am the only one who is not socializing with everyone else or not clicking with everyone else so well. There have been several instances where this has happened. So, I could choose to just accept this, and whenever I feel left out, just think well I’m left out but it’s alright with me. So what else am I concerned with? It also makes me insecure how low I can get sometimes. We talked in my personality psychology class about how people experience highs and lows differently. Some people are always evenly keeled, others are more emotionally sensitive to highs and lows. Keeping myself emotionally balanced is something that I have always had to do. It’s been a constant challenge for me. This is also something I need to just make peace with. Meditation is definitely something that will help me with that too. I need to bring myself to meditate more. I get side tracked so easily.. I’ve just been sitting here with my mind wandering for several minutes, without writing anything. And I kind of planned on going to bed 40 minutes ago. I’m so bad with schedules… I guess I’ll go to sleep now… Good night world!

p.s. why do I often feel as though there is some problem that needs to be solved in my life?

Real quick, positives about today/tomorrow:

Today–

  1. emailed Ryan about my art and frames.
  2. Got microsoft word back on my computer!
  3. Did not have to work today!
  4. Worked on my paintings more.
  5. Alicia was in class today and we made progress on our sculptures.
  6. I got paid today!
  7. Tomorrow I hopefully can work a full day.
  8. I have Saturday and Sunday and Monday to do my paper. Then Tuesday and Wednesday to do my book report. And I’ll have to squeeze my sculpture in there too.
  9.  I get to go to bed soon… yay!

 

Okay, now I’m going to bed… Goodnight!