Tag Archives: anxiety

Halloween Party at my House Tonight…

So I don’t even know what to say… so I’m just going to free-write right now. Lately, my thoughts have been so confusing… all over the place… And right now, my roommates and I are having a Halloween party at my apartment. It is still loud and chaotic outside of my bedroom door right now. My friend fell asleep on my bed. I’m up typing. I would really like to brush my teeth and get water. But I put lounge clothes on, and Idk if I want to face the crowd in order to do that. I have been so into my thoughts lately. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in my head a lot, lonely… I know moving is stressful, and especially moving to a city where I started public transportation, with the addition of starting a grad program, and a new job. And a new apartment, with 3 roommates. Everything in my life is new. And making money was scaring me too. I’m doing this DoorDash thing where I’m making deliveries. The job itself wasn’t attractive to me, but my roommate makes almost $30 an hour. I really can’t beat that right now… And it’s super convenient. I can go out and dash on call. And dash for an hour… or 4 hours… and I can stop at any point randomly, and it doesn’t penalize me at all. I also started meditating every day. Although meditating right now seems weird since I’ve had some alcohol.

Well I just finished a 15 minute meditation session and it was completely ineffective. I couldn’t focus for s***.

Idk what I’ll do tomorrow. I feel so depressed lately. I don’t feel strong lately. I feel out of it. I think having money coming back in will help to feel better, for sure. I just have to get the rest of December’s rent, which I’m only a few hundred away from… And then I have all of November and December to save up for January and February’s rent.

Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. My friend is asleep on my bed, Idk if I want to lay next to her, because I’m currently sleeping on an air mattress, and it’ll probably be loud when I lay down. I feel so out of it right now. Meeting all these new people and observing and thinking about the way they perceive life and the different dynamics that exist in life is freaking me out lately. I feel un-centered and unbalanced. I don’t feel like myself lately. Do I even remember what that feels like? I’ve been oversleeping like crazy every day. I just keep wanting to go to sleep.

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Random-Ass Musings.

I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.

I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.

I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…

A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.

My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.

I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!

I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.

Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.

Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…

Goodnight!

 

I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.

 

Graduation Commencement Tomorrow

I can’t wait for commencement to be over.

I want to fix these thoughts that have been going on in my head. But there’s so much going on. I know meditation is really good for you and I should do it often, but I haven’t in a long time. Maybe if I make it a point to do in the morning. Idk I’ve been so averse to it, when I know it’s so good for me.

Noel has been flooding my thoughts lately. Ever since rehearsal when I caught her taking that photo of me on Snapchat and sending it to someone. Okay, so she’s a bitch. I’ve accepted that. Why does shit affect me so much and other people can just brush shit off.

I also keep thinking about how there’s really no one at Commencement that I really have an urge to talk to. Nobody I really even want to sit next to. But a positive is that at least I know a lot of people. And am acquaintances with them. I just don’t really trust anyone anymore, and it makes me insecure. I know some people think I stare, but I never mean to. It makes me feel like shit.

Alright, I’m going to bed. I think my birth control might be partly responsible for making me feel so irritable too.

Thanks for reading. xo

 

So I Scheduled a Counseling Appt

Lately I’ve been having trouble with paranoia. Thinking that everyone is talking about me or thinking negative things about me. Specifically that people are talking about how I “stare a lot” and that they’re creeped out by me. It’s been bothering me a lot lately. I went to my rehearsal today for graduation and one girl was there who bothered me a lot. I think she took a Snapchat photo of me and sent it to her friend. Why are girls so interested in me and in being so mean? It taints my whole perception of people and makes me not want to socialize with anyone.

I feel so unlikable. Another thing I’ve been paranoid about lately. Just everyone not liking me. And there were certain people I decided to myself that I unconditionally liked. People who just seemed like really good people. But even them I’m worried don’t like me.

I had this idealistic expectation that I could be friends with so many people, but even though I made it a point over the last year to socialize more, I realized a couple things:

1.) I can talk all I want, but that isn’t necessarily going to change the chemistry I have with someone. If I get a good or bad vibe initially, it tends to stay that way. Talking doesn’t change how much I clique with someone.

2.) I did become friendly with many people, but I also found that if I didn’t keep it up, then it was all for naught. I kept thinking to myself, “I talked a lot earlier, now I’m not…”

3.) Talking more did keep me engaged at times.

4.) Even though I talked a lot, it didn’t change who became a real friend or not. I really don’t have friends like I used to. I remember at one point in my life, I remember thinking to myself, “I have a lot of friends”. I would have people over and I had a lot of people to invite who were genuinely real friends of mine. Now, I don’t have any. Although, I also didn’t have much of an opportunity to go out at night at all, because I had to be up early every day. And everyone at school is an hour away. But I joined Zeta Omicron, went to some social events there, and I went to Vienna and socialized with everyone there too. But it didn’t seem to make much of a real difference after all. I didn’t really become close with anyone. And some of my attempts ended up failing, because talking isn’t the only remedy to making friends.

When I was in Vienna, I hung out with Jenna a lot. Back in the states, when I first got back, I felt so depressed for some reason. And she and I did not clique like we did. I guess we didn’t really get along as people. She’s another person I don’t trust. I never used to have these trust issues. Or maybe I just dismissed them, idk. But at the art reception from our Vienna trip, she just ignored me, and I was right in front of her. Even Audrey didn’t immediately seem interested in seeing me. Idk how else to say it, but I just have a difficult time socially, and it has always been the one thing that has brought me down in the past.

Maybe I just shouldn’t put any stock into my social life at all. Maybe in having zero expectations I wouldn’t be let down anymore. Or at least bring my social expectations way down. It’s okay if I find friends to be rare. That’s just how I’m built.

Well it’s getting late and I have to get to bed… Thanks for reading.

xo night!

 

11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo

Ramblings and Discord

Uhhh… Life. Ugh. I know it’s normal to be nervous when I’m about to graduate college and get a real job. (Even if I am 27.) But I feel so loaded with insecurities lately. I have this sculpture class that has been bothering me lately. And actually all my classes are kind of boring and a bummer. Not that there aren’t highlights, because there are, but still. And I’ve been thinking about my social status. I wonder if other people think about their social status as much as I do. Because omg, I am obsessed. I feel like so much of my life is focused on others, and not in a positive way. Like it drags me down. I want to think about myself in a positive social way. I want to view myself in a positive way when it comes to socializing. So what gets me down about it? Situations where I feel I am excluded, or like I am the only one who is not socializing with everyone else or not clicking with everyone else so well. There have been several instances where this has happened. So, I could choose to just accept this, and whenever I feel left out, just think well I’m left out but it’s alright with me. So what else am I concerned with? It also makes me insecure how low I can get sometimes. We talked in my personality psychology class about how people experience highs and lows differently. Some people are always evenly keeled, others are more emotionally sensitive to highs and lows. Keeping myself emotionally balanced is something that I have always had to do. It’s been a constant challenge for me. This is also something I need to just make peace with. Meditation is definitely something that will help me with that too. I need to bring myself to meditate more. I get side tracked so easily.. I’ve just been sitting here with my mind wandering for several minutes, without writing anything. And I kind of planned on going to bed 40 minutes ago. I’m so bad with schedules… I guess I’ll go to sleep now… Good night world!

p.s. why do I often feel as though there is some problem that needs to be solved in my life?

Real quick, positives about today/tomorrow:

Today–

  1. emailed Ryan about my art and frames.
  2. Got microsoft word back on my computer!
  3. Did not have to work today!
  4. Worked on my paintings more.
  5. Alicia was in class today and we made progress on our sculptures.
  6. I got paid today!
  7. Tomorrow I hopefully can work a full day.
  8. I have Saturday and Sunday and Monday to do my paper. Then Tuesday and Wednesday to do my book report. And I’ll have to squeeze my sculpture in there too.
  9.  I get to go to bed soon… yay!

 

Okay, now I’m going to bed… Goodnight!