So I’m tired, and I am starting my internship tomorrow. I’m trying to make a list of positives, because I am nervous, and it is so late, and I am not going to get enough sleep as is 😦 . But I was up organizing my room in my new apartment, and I desperately needed to. It was a mess with stuff piled everywhere and boxes stacked on top of one another.
1.) I get to enjoy a relaxing drive in my car, instead of taking public transportation.
2.) I am beginning a new professional journey, and now I will have stuff to talk about at my clinical class Wednesday!
3.) I am going to learn so much.
4.) My supervisor seems super nice.
5.) I get to help kids in difficult, crisis situations, and feel like my job is very rewarding.
6.) It will be 8 months. That’s not even that long… Idk if that’s a positive or not… but…
7.) It is only 2 days a week.
8.) Everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow.
9.) I am spending my time doing something incredibly valuable. What else would I really rather do? (Other than just for pleasure…)
10.) Imagine how good I’m going to feel when I’m done tomorrow. Day 2 on Thursday will be so much easier!
I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.
I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.
I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…
A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.
My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.
I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!
I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.
Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.
Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…