Tag Archives: CBT

CBT Work from Today…

So I got done hanging out with a friend for the past 24+ hrs and I honestly feel a little bad. I enjoyed my time, but some of my own issues came up.

We went to the beach, and after being at the beach for hours, I noticed she got kind of more quiet. I started to feel the energy just kind of dull more. Naturally, I started talking a little more. She did not reciprocate. Of course, we were both beat after several hours of laying on the beach and being in the hot sun. But I started to internalize this dip in the mood. I took her response personally. I started to feel BAD.

And when we got in the car, she quickly turned the radio on and up quite loud, honestly to the point where it was slightly uncomfortable for me. Which generally I don’t do if I have people in the car, because it kind of inhibits conversation, and it’s almost a way to say, “I don’t want to talk to you right now”, or at least I took it that way, or at least considered it a possibility.

So anyway… We get back to her place, we each shower, get ready… I feel the mood has lifted for both of us at this point. We go to the restaurant… food was great, she loved the place I recommended… music was cool too (live salsa music). Things are better.

But I hate internalizing this dip in mood and her dip in the way she is treating me. I know it is me opening myself up to it, whereas before I was not. I don’t want to ever do that. I want to always keep my confidence in that situation.

So, how can I feel better about the situation? What can I say to myself to make myself not feel bad over it?

When someone treats me badly, I feel badly. I want to not do this, not just about her… So what can I tell myself to feel better.

“They’re not being very pleasant at all right now, and that’s undesirable in a person. I’m glad I don’t act like that. I’m really pleasant to people, almost always. I can do something else/think about something else/go somewhere else/talk to someone else. I can focus on what makes me happy, cuz this doesn’t. I certainly don’t have to accept it and feel bad. They’re the ones who are being unpleasant, not me. That’s just who they are. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

I want to feel better about being treated like garbage. “They have feelings, they’re allowed to feel crappy and want space or whatever they want…”

I also want to feel better about having a small face/head… I get insecure about it… and she looks so much bigger and more confident or whatever. But I guess I have my own look, doesn’t have to be a certain way.

 

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My Day Today

So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”

Obsessing Thoughts about How I Look…

I just want to fix these thoughts that I recurringly have that bring me DOWN…

I fixate on how I look so much it’s unhealthy. I was thinking, once I get my hair cut the way I want it (a long bob), then I can just do it the same way everyday and not have to think about whether I like it or not. So that will be one thing out of the way.

Then there’s how I look in general where I judge myself when I look at other people, other females that I see on the streets of my city. Other females who look so good the way they’re dressed, and so confident. And as soon as I see anyone like that, I immediately compare myself and think I look less than them, I look not as confident, not as good, not as high energy, and every day I get dressed is a constant struggle to look “good enough”. Do other people experience this? What thoughts can I tell myself to get rid of these thoughts?

Maybe I can just get ready in the morning, do the best I can, and then say to myself, I like how I like, this looks good, I am okay and good with this, and then if I see another female on the street who looks really good, I can also say, I have the potential to look even better than I do, especially when I finish school and I’m working full time and I can have a lot more money to spend on clothes and how I look. But I can also say, I do like how I look now though, and it’s okay, and there are always going to be people I think look really good, and vice versa. Everyone is unique. I don’t want to hate myself for how I look when there are people who look all different ways and I don’t hate them or judge them for looking how they look, so I should treat myself the same.

Okay, I think I feel better now. Have to get to sleep… Night!

 

Working through panic and anxiety

So I had a panic attack at work last Thursday. It was pretty bad. I got pretty low. I mostly felt panicked at how low I felt and how I felt my face was looking angry. The look on my face has been something that has bothered me for a long time now, but I didn’t know what to do about it for a long time. I think the best thing I can do now is distract myself and keep shifting my focus away from it and on to something else as best I can. The word “bipolar” popped into my head the other day when I was meeting with the treatment team at my internship, and Idk where it came from. I wonder if I do appear bipolar to people at my internship, because sometimes I can seem pretty high and sometimes I get quite low.  I mean, it is what it is, of course. I don’t want to come off that way, I want to be more even tempered. I do not want to dip as low as I have been. When I do dip, it gets very, very low… I mean I felt absolutely lifeless last Thursday. I was having horrible panic attacks… and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to be around anyone. Now I feel that I would go be around people and try to talk to people, at least so I’m not alone, and I think that would make me feel better. I worked on my CBT over the weekend and came up with some helpful thoughts I can think, such as “it’s only 1 day I have to get through at a time”, “I can get up and go anywhere, go take a walk, go to Molly’s office, go anywhere…go to the bathroom…walk around anywhere…I can even leave if I really feel I need to…”, “do not panic unless there is an actual need to panic”, “I have a life outside of St. *****’S. I was also panicking at the difference in how people and the kids are perceiving me and treating me from when I’m happy to when I’m down. I can also enjoy my drive up there in the morning, which is a long drive… and make sure I get up early enough in the morning to have enough time to get ready. This will reduce my anxiety. Also bringing a lunch will be nice.

I also keep having these self-criticizing thoughts that are very persistent and constant. I think meditation will help them.

I keep having this excessive paranoia that people are not liking me… I imagine them saying negative things about me behind my back… etc…

So in the morning I can ask Jenny if she talked to *** about doing groups…

Just Some Thoughts…

It is a rainy Sunday afternoon. I just ordered Indian food. (I have an Indian food problem…) But now I need milk. I might go walk to get some quick before my food arrives… Do I need anything else?? Then I’ll come back and watch the movie I was going to watch. I had a lot I wanted to write about to get it out of my head… Although now, I’m pretty content with just being here, in bed. Lazy Sundays… Like I have no motivation to do a thing… but I am okay with that… as long as I get my reading done by tomorrow for class.

So one thing I wanted to talk about was how I’ve been talking negatively to myself recently and comparing myself to others. It’s bs. It’s been making me feel bad af. Like yesterday for example. I went to the MFA in Boston with a friend I had not seen in 10 years. (I also didn’t feel good in the morning, because I went out and got drinks and they made me take a gross shot I was too drunk to say no to.) But anyway, I ended up feeling better, I just think I want so much more money, yet if I don’t feel like going out and doing deliveries, I settle with whatever money I have. And seeing my friend yesterday who has a boatload of money and just bought a VERY expensive condo… just kept pushing that button of mine that wants more money to be able to do all the things I want to do. I mean, I could go out working today and tomorrow and make an extra $200, but also my car payment is due Friday, and I don’t have money yet to pay for it… I am getting my refund check back 6 days after my car payment is due, so I was going to just pay it then… I don’t think they would repo my car within 6 days of my payment being late…right? I mean, it does make me a little nervous… just because I did get it repo’d not that long ago, then had to pay all this money to get it back. (My grandmother helped me). Maybe I need to look for a job that I like doing, since I’m not proud of doing deliveries. If I got a job in a gallery, that would be awesome. Or nannying. That way I would make sure I would make a certain amount every week, too. So I wouldn’t be allowed to get lazy on myself and not do it. I’ll have to pay my stepdad, great aunt, and grandmother all back what I owe them. I don’t even know what my grandmother’s going to want back. She bought my new brakes and a oil change, – $620; new tires, windshield wipers, new headlight – (Have to look up that amount…), AND she paid to get my repo’d car back which cost over $1,000, maybe up to $2,000… Ugh, once grad school is over I can get a real job and then I can just work! I can’t wait to have enough money to pay my bills and support myself and then some!

Anyway, I’ve just been thinking how I keep telling myself how ugly I am all the time and how I feel that way… I know I could improve how I look, but then I think, “but I don’t know what to do with my hair that would look good… so I end up just feeling blah. I want to be really satisfied with how I look. I keep thinking, once I have all this money, I can go shopping, I can get my hair done… I’ll look awesome lol. (Theoretically, anyway.)

Alright, time for another nap for me… write more later!

Positive Aspects of Beginning my First Internship Tomorrow

So I’m tired, and I am starting my internship tomorrow. I’m trying to make a list of positives, because I am nervous, and it is so late, and I am not going to get enough sleep as is 😦 . But I was up organizing my room in my new apartment, and I desperately needed to. It was a mess with stuff piled everywhere and boxes stacked on top of one another.

1.) I get to enjoy a relaxing drive in my car, instead of taking public transportation.

2.) I am beginning a new professional journey, and now I will have stuff to talk about at my clinical class Wednesday!

3.) I am going to learn so much.

4.) My supervisor seems super nice.

5.) I get to help kids in difficult, crisis situations, and feel like my job is very rewarding.

6.) It will be 8 months. That’s not even that long… Idk if that’s a positive or not… but…

7.) It is only 2 days a week.

8.) Everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow.

9.) I am spending my time doing something incredibly valuable. What else would I really rather do? (Other than just for pleasure…)

10.) Imagine how good I’m going to feel when I’m done tomorrow. Day 2 on Thursday will be so much easier!

Random-Ass Musings.

I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.

I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.

I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…

A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.

My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.

I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!

I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.

Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.

Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…

Goodnight!