Tag Archives: CBT

Just Some Thoughts…

It is a rainy Sunday afternoon. I just ordered Indian food. (I have an Indian food problem…) But now I need milk. I might go walk to get some quick before my food arrives… Do I need anything else?? Then I’ll come back and watch the movie I was going to watch. I had a lot I wanted to write about to get it out of my head… Although now, I’m pretty content with just being here, in bed. Lazy Sundays… Like I have no motivation to do a thing… but I am okay with that… as long as I get my reading done by tomorrow for class.

So one thing I wanted to talk about was how I’ve been talking negatively to myself recently and comparing myself to others. It’s bs. It’s been making me feel bad af. Like yesterday for example. I went to the MFA in Boston with a friend I had not seen in 10 years. (I also didn’t feel good in the morning, because I went out and got drinks and they made me take a gross shot I was too drunk to say no to.) But anyway, I ended up feeling better, I just think I want so much more money, yet if I don’t feel like going out and doing deliveries, I settle with whatever money I have. And seeing my friend yesterday who has a boatload of money and just bought a VERY expensive condo… just kept pushing that button of mine that wants more money to be able to do all the things I want to do. I mean, I could go out working today and tomorrow and make an extra $200, but also my car payment is due Friday, and I don’t have money yet to pay for it… I am getting my refund check back 6 days after my car payment is due, so I was going to just pay it then… I don’t think they would repo my car within 6 days of my payment being late…right? I mean, it does make me a little nervous… just because I did get it repo’d not that long ago, then had to pay all this money to get it back. (My grandmother helped me). Maybe I need to look for a job that I like doing, since I’m not proud of doing deliveries. If I got a job in a gallery, that would be awesome. Or nannying. That way I would make sure I would make a certain amount every week, too. So I wouldn’t be allowed to get lazy on myself and not do it. I’ll have to pay my stepdad, great aunt, and grandmother all back what I owe them. I don’t even know what my grandmother’s going to want back. She bought my new brakes and a oil change, – $620; new tires, windshield wipers, new headlight – (Have to look up that amount…), AND she paid to get my repo’d car back which cost over $1,000, maybe up to $2,000… Ugh, once grad school is over I can get a real job and then I can just work! I can’t wait to have enough money to pay my bills and support myself and then some!

Anyway, I’ve just been thinking how I keep telling myself how ugly I am all the time and how I feel that way… I know I could improve how I look, but then I think, “but I don’t know what to do with my hair that would look good… so I end up just feeling blah. I want to be really satisfied with how I look. I keep thinking, once I have all this money, I can go shopping, I can get my hair done… I’ll look awesome lol. (Theoretically, anyway.)

Alright, time for another nap for me… write more later!


Positive Aspects of Beginning my First Internship Tomorrow

So I’m tired, and I am starting my internship tomorrow. I’m trying to make a list of positives, because I am nervous, and it is so late, and I am not going to get enough sleep as is 😦 . But I was up organizing my room in my new apartment, and I desperately needed to. It was a mess with stuff piled everywhere and boxes stacked on top of one another.

1.) I get to enjoy a relaxing drive in my car, instead of taking public transportation.

2.) I am beginning a new professional journey, and now I will have stuff to talk about at my clinical class Wednesday!

3.) I am going to learn so much.

4.) My supervisor seems super nice.

5.) I get to help kids in difficult, crisis situations, and feel like my job is very rewarding.

6.) It will be 8 months. That’s not even that long… Idk if that’s a positive or not… but…

7.) It is only 2 days a week.

8.) Everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow.

9.) I am spending my time doing something incredibly valuable. What else would I really rather do? (Other than just for pleasure…)

10.) Imagine how good I’m going to feel when I’m done tomorrow. Day 2 on Thursday will be so much easier!

Random-Ass Musings.

I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.

I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.

I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…

A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.

My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.

I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!

I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.

Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.

Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…