Tag Archives: depression

Halloween Party at my House Tonight…

So I don’t even know what to say… so I’m just going to free-write right now. Lately, my thoughts have been so confusing… all over the place… And right now, my roommates and I are having a Halloween party at my apartment. It is still loud and chaotic outside of my bedroom door right now. My friend fell asleep on my bed. I’m up typing. I would really like to brush my teeth and get water. But I put lounge clothes on, and Idk if I want to face the crowd in order to do that. I have been so into my thoughts lately. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in my head a lot, lonely… I know moving is stressful, and especially moving to a city where I started public transportation, with the addition of starting a grad program, and a new job. And a new apartment, with 3 roommates. Everything in my life is new. And making money was scaring me too. I’m doing this DoorDash thing where I’m making deliveries. The job itself wasn’t attractive to me, but my roommate makes almost $30 an hour. I really can’t beat that right now… And it’s super convenient. I can go out and dash on call. And dash for an hour… or 4 hours… and I can stop at any point randomly, and it doesn’t penalize me at all. I also started meditating every day. Although meditating right now seems weird since I’ve had some alcohol.

Well I just finished a 15 minute meditation session and it was completely ineffective. I couldn’t focus for s***.

Idk what I’ll do tomorrow. I feel so depressed lately. I don’t feel strong lately. I feel out of it. I think having money coming back in will help to feel better, for sure. I just have to get the rest of December’s rent, which I’m only a few hundred away from… And then I have all of November and December to save up for January and February’s rent.

Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. My friend is asleep on my bed, Idk if I want to lay next to her, because I’m currently sleeping on an air mattress, and it’ll probably be loud when I lay down. I feel so out of it right now. Meeting all these new people and observing and thinking about the way they perceive life and the different dynamics that exist in life is freaking me out lately. I feel un-centered and unbalanced. I don’t feel like myself lately. Do I even remember what that feels like? I’ve been oversleeping like crazy every day. I just keep wanting to go to sleep.

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Really Hard Times

I’m going to write for at least 10 minutes, so until 1:42am.

I’ve been meaning every day to write. I write a to-do list almost every day, sometimes each list carries over into the next day. I have a list I wrote Christmas day or the day before, but I still have items I have yet to complete, such as my grad school applications. Even just 1. I could make it a goal to finish all 3 before the break ends. I would still have 7 days to finish them. It’s a very realistic goal, but I have not brought myself to even start any of the 3 yet, for some reason. Lately, I have been feeling very angry, and very depressed. I think maybe I should start talking to that counselor again. I would have to pay $100 for the month, but it would be worth it, I think. But with my bills, I would have to see if I can even afford that right now. My motivation lately has been so shitty. I have not wanted to do anything. It’s miserable. All I want to do is lay in bed. Yet when I lay in bed for long periods of time, and fall asleep, when I wake up again, I’m depressed, because all I’ve been doing is sleeping, and I’m not waking up to there being anything to do.

I feel different lately. Like, although I’ve been feeling overall depressed, and down, I still feel this feeling of being clearer than I’ve felt before. Like it’s easier for me to pop out of bed and feel like I don’t need an hour to feel “normal”. Yet I still feel this feeling of not wanting to do anything. Even the things that normally interest me, like mandala paintings or knitting or watching movies, like I just feel like I’m fighting everything. Like I refuse to do anything. And I feel so angry. I want somewhere to put it. To kill someone or something. I feel so angry because finding out he got his wife pregnant was more painful than I could have ever imagined. Even though I know that wouldn’t help me.

I keep thinking back to I should talk to the counselor again. She seemed really helpful. And it was really good to get everything out. Lately though, every time I go to write down what I want to do, I don’t feel like I actually have any energy lately to want to do anything. Which is depressing as fuck. Man I just feel so angry. In general too. And sick. And unhealthy. And dirty. And I don’t feel like I want to shower. I haven’t written in my gratitude journal in a long time. I will do that after this. It’s not that I don’t want to help myself, it’s just that I’ve had a really hard time lately. I just feel terrible. I want to be better. I want to be happy and healthy and active and appreciating life and growing and expanding, but it is not happening lately. I just want to feel at peace, happy and understanding of the situation that has caused me so much pain. I want that more than anything. And I believe that if I set my intention to that, that I could try really hard to accomplish that.

Spirit, please be with me and give me strength, insight, understanding, inspiration, hope, energy, self love, self compassion, and please help to motivate me to continue on.

I¬†actually think I feel a little better after writing for a little while. Maybe I should make this a nightly thing. I think signing back up for online counseling with BetterHelp.com will help too. It’s so good to have someone to talk to about everything going on with me. I just hope to God to find peace and happiness through all of this.

Have a good night xo