Tag Archives: feelings

I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.

 

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11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo