Tag Archives: feelings

New Plan

Ugh. Getting everything out rn. Feeling so frustrated lately. Feeling unhappy off and on. Feel crabby. It’s 11:43pm, still kinda early (for me…).

I have been obsessing over my looks again… I need to just learn to let shit go? Been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and yes it’s been fun, mostly. I just have been bringing myself down by obsessing over my looks. Obsessing over not looking exactly how I want to look. I feel broken.

I was thinking about this guy I used to like (if you’ve read my previous posts, you probably know who I’m talking about…), and I was thinking how perfect I think he is, and wondering how he thinks of himself. I was imagining just telling him how perfect he is, and that he should just accept it about himself. But then I was thinking, “what if someone thought that about me?”

Again, I feel like I’m broken.

I wish I could accept myself how I am without thinking I need to be better somehow. I feel like my head is too small. I have these weird thoughts of thinking my energy needs to be “clearer”. I wish I could just LOVE and APPRECIATE myself where I am at. Some days are better than others. Since moving to Boston, it’s been rough for me. The transition was hard. Now that I’ve made new friends and am establishing myself more, it’s been a little better. Maybe I should write more. I used to write a lot. Maybe my expectations have gotten out of whack. Maybe my expectations about everything and especially anything to do with myself, are out of whack. Like why should I tell myself I should look like a supermodel. Not everyone does. It’s such an unloving thing to tell myself. I should just love myself how I am. It’s so easy to love others for who they are, and appreciate their uniqueness. Yet why is it so hard for me to love myself? Accept myself the way I am. Not feel like when someone rejects me like it’s because I’m not good enough. When that guy rejected me, I really felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like that’s why he rejected me. I wasn’t pretty enough, glowy enough, social enough, charming enough, popular enough… the list goes on. Maybe I’m just projecting that onto him, however, considering the law of attraction, doesn’t that mean then that I can’t possibly attract someone who think the world of me, if I don’t think that about myself? Although, I did it before…

So anyway, I need to stop this problem of thinking I don’t look good enough: maybe I can actively point out the positives, choose to accept the things I don’t like as much. Accept and focus on positives, new plan.

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Random Thoughts Lately and me Re-evaluating My Life?

So a lot has happened recently, and it’s making me rethink a lot. Should I be different? Should I talk more? Express myself more? All these questions and thoughts make me feel exhausted, honestly.

I feel so ready for a relationship again. I want it NOW. I went out today across town and saw so many attractive men. I’m like, should I be more assertive, more confident? Idk. Or should I just be how I’ve always been, because the right person will be perfect for me? So many questions without any answers. The game of life. I want a relationship to be easy, to be obvious, to be natural, to feel right, to feel good, to feel peaceful.

I’ve been seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34 on the clock constantly lately. Numerous times a day, often. That has to be a good sign, right?

I’m so excited for the right person to show up for me. I don’t know when, but I feel so ready, I’m expecting it any moment now. Image result for upside down smiley  I’m not attached to any one person, I just know I want it and I want it ASAP. I’m excited for summer to come. I’m excited spring weather is FINALLY here!!! I’m excited to move to my own apartment in September! I want someone to spend my time with, someone to be able to have deep conversations with, someone to be affectionate with, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with and do all the fun things couples do! Go on dates with! Someone to share everything with! I love having someone to spoil and love and say sweet things to, and laugh and play with. And someone who loves me back! I know that it will come, it’s just a matter of when. And I know it’s not everything, and I do want other things, but I want that a lot too. Maybe even if it’s something short term, I’m thinking even just something for fun for a little while. I feel like the past few years have taught me to be more chilled out, relationship wise. To not let things bother me like they used to.

I suppose I have a lot of self-doubt at times. Some insecurities or what not. Like I’m questioning, should I be acting different? And I’ve been having these anxieties related to working at my internship with the social aspect of it. But who really cares about that so much? I just want to get my hours done. Yes, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, but it’s only another few weeks left. Anyway, I’m going to meditate and go to sleep. More work in the morning, at least the worst part is over!!! Hopefully I can get 2 papers done by tomorrow night!! Image result for fingers crossed emojiThat will be great to submit them both tomorrow night!! Alright, well goodnight, all!

P.S. Life is such a learning process…

Random Ramblings

I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!

Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times.  That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.

Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.

I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.

I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.

Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂

If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂

 

You know what, I’m doin alright…

You know what, I’m doin alright… I’ve been havin lots of thoughts lately, and it would probably serve me well to meditate and to exercise, and yet I have not done enough of either. Although, I do have to give myself credit for the fact that I have been meditating here and there… I’ll do it before I go to bed. I suppose I do “quiet my thoughts” in some way every day.

I’m sick of acting like I don’t care. I’m sick of crawling out of bed, and being in a low-vibe, “barely there” mood to my graduate classes. It’s not my best self, not even halfway. It’s not the kind of therapist I want to be. I’m sick of being down. I’m sick of being moody or irritated or low-vibe. It’s bullshit. I want to be good at what I do. I want to be into it, be positive, be happy again. Idk what’s been going on with me lately. I feel like I used to be so positive about stuff.. Like I was so positive to start grad school and felt like happy was my default, I remember thinking that on my way into work one day… then idk what happened… internship got the best of me… the fact that I just kind of float around, without much direction… it just started to get to me. But I guess I can fix that somehow. I want to get back to my happy self. I want to enjoy things. I want to have fun. I want to quietly contemplate, or whatever. I guess I spend all my time working? And not enough time enjoying? Or maybe I need to just appreciate any moment I have of non-work?

Idk, but internship tomorrow, and I want to make it fun!

Okay, well, must get to sleep now… Good night! xo

I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.

 

11:52 Rant

11:52. The world wants us to be a certain way. Put a smile on our faces. Be happy. “Smile, jeeze.” Yet, as I’m going to school for therapy, I’m learning in my classes, “it’s okay to feel whatever we are feeling”. How paradoxical is this? No wonder I’m confused.

I put a lot of pressure on myself. My inner critic never sleeps. And sometimes I wonder if it’s just me projecting my self-criticism on everyone around me when I yell at myself for ever feeling sad. But then sometimes, I get confirmation that no, it’s not just me. There are many people out there who are judging me for feeling the way I do, or expressing it the way I am. It teaches me that if I don’t feel good, it is my fault, and that I should “feel bad for feeling bad”. Which doesn’t help any, of course. So, what are my options?

If I’m feeling down, I can be proactive. Ask myself what are some positives about my situation. Ask myself what I could do that would make me happy. Make plans to do something fun. But this doesn’t always work. In fact, I think most of the time, it doesn’t. So I go to option 2. Acceptance.

Acceptance is often easier said than done though. Some things are harder to accept than others. In fact, some things I even find nearly impossible to accept, and still struggle with them to this day. Like, for instance, how oftentimes, I am a quiet person. I’ve been like that my whole life. I don’t know why it is that I stand out from 99% of people because I don’t have any desire to speak the majority of the time. I just don’t. I know some other people too who are naturally quiet. One girl I go to school with who has mentioned before how quiet she is and how people always pick on her about it. I know exactly how she feels. Yet this past year, I have been making it a point to talk more to people, on purpose. To speak when I normally wouldn’t. And it did pay off in the sense that I made a lot of acquaintances. But I still didn’t make any more friends, really. Because I think the people that I intuitively feel are my friends are people I automatically feel like I can talk to. I don’t have to make myself talk to them.

I still judge myself for being less vocal though. Like today, I had a thought that made me feel a little anxious/down. I walked into my anthropology class to take my final. I did not say anything to anyone, just sat down, prepared to take my test. Ashley turned around and looked at me, didn’t say anything either. I thought, “I didn’t say anything when I walked in. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe most people would have said something, and maybe it’s negative that I didn’t. Maybe I need to say more.” All this raced through my mind. Sometimes it’s hard for me to correct my thoughts into more positive ones. I know I should think “whatever happens it’s okay”. I just had a lot of anxiety at that time, a general discomfort and felt very introverted. Just ready to get my final done.

In general I have been having a lot of anxiety. Which now that I think about it I guess is natural, considering I am finishing up school now and going to find a real job in what I am going to school for (psychology/art therapy).

Well I better get to sleep now… Tired and want to get enough rest for tomorrow.

Goodnight! xo