Tag Archives: nervous

Working through panic and anxiety

So I had a panic attack at work last Thursday. It was pretty bad. I got pretty low. I mostly felt panicked at how low I felt and how I felt my face was looking angry. The look on my face has been something that has bothered me for a long time now, but I didn’t know what to do about it for a long time. I think the best thing I can do now is distract myself and keep shifting my focus away from it and on to something else as best I can. The word “bipolar” popped into my head the other day when I was meeting with the treatment team at my internship, and Idk where it came from. I wonder if I do appear bipolar to people at my internship, because sometimes I can seem pretty high and sometimes I get quite low.  I mean, it is what it is, of course. I don’t want to come off that way, I want to be more even tempered. I do not want to dip as low as I have been. When I do dip, it gets very, very low… I mean I felt absolutely lifeless last Thursday. I was having horrible panic attacks… and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to be around anyone. Now I feel that I would go be around people and try to talk to people, at least so I’m not alone, and I think that would make me feel better. I worked on my CBT over the weekend and came up with some helpful thoughts I can think, such as “it’s only 1 day I have to get through at a time”, “I can get up and go anywhere, go take a walk, go to Molly’s office, go anywhere…go to the bathroom…walk around anywhere…I can even leave if I really feel I need to…”, “do not panic unless there is an actual need to panic”, “I have a life outside of St. *****’S. I was also panicking at the difference in how people and the kids are perceiving me and treating me from when I’m happy to when I’m down. I can also enjoy my drive up there in the morning, which is a long drive… and make sure I get up early enough in the morning to have enough time to get ready. This will reduce my anxiety. Also bringing a lunch will be nice.

I also keep having these self-criticizing thoughts that are very persistent and constant. I think meditation will help them.

I keep having this excessive paranoia that people are not liking me… I imagine them saying negative things about me behind my back… etc…

So in the morning I can ask Jenny if she talked to *** about doing groups…

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I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.