Tag Archives: rant

New Plan

Ugh. Getting everything out rn. Feeling so frustrated lately. Feeling unhappy off and on. Feel crabby. It’s 11:43pm, still kinda early (for me…).

I have been obsessing over my looks again… I need to just learn to let shit go? Been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and yes it’s been fun, mostly. I just have been bringing myself down by obsessing over my looks. Obsessing over not looking exactly how I want to look. I feel broken.

I was thinking about this guy I used to like (if you’ve read my previous posts, you probably know who I’m talking about…), and I was thinking how perfect I think he is, and wondering how he thinks of himself. I was imagining just telling him how perfect he is, and that he should just accept it about himself. But then I was thinking, “what if someone thought that about me?”

Again, I feel like I’m broken.

I wish I could accept myself how I am without thinking I need to be better somehow. I feel like my head is too small. I have these weird thoughts of thinking my energy needs to be “clearer”. I wish I could just LOVE and APPRECIATE myself where I am at. Some days are better than others. Since moving to Boston, it’s been rough for me. The transition was hard. Now that I’ve made new friends and am establishing myself more, it’s been a little better. Maybe I should write more. I used to write a lot. Maybe my expectations have gotten out of whack. Maybe my expectations about everything and especially anything to do with myself, are out of whack. Like why should I tell myself I should look like a supermodel. Not everyone does. It’s such an unloving thing to tell myself. I should just love myself how I am. It’s so easy to love others for who they are, and appreciate their uniqueness. Yet why is it so hard for me to love myself? Accept myself the way I am. Not feel like when someone rejects me like it’s because I’m not good enough. When that guy rejected me, I really felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like that’s why he rejected me. I wasn’t pretty enough, glowy enough, social enough, charming enough, popular enough… the list goes on. Maybe I’m just projecting that onto him, however, considering the law of attraction, doesn’t that mean then that I can’t possibly attract someone who think the world of me, if I don’t think that about myself? Although, I did it before…

So anyway, I need to stop this problem of thinking I don’t look good enough: maybe I can actively point out the positives, choose to accept the things I don’t like as much. Accept and focus on positives, new plan.

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My Day Today

So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”

Random Thoughts Lately and me Re-evaluating My Life?

So a lot has happened recently, and it’s making me rethink a lot. Should I be different? Should I talk more? Express myself more? All these questions and thoughts make me feel exhausted, honestly.

I feel so ready for a relationship again. I want it NOW. I went out today across town and saw so many attractive men. I’m like, should I be more assertive, more confident? Idk. Or should I just be how I’ve always been, because the right person will be perfect for me? So many questions without any answers. The game of life. I want a relationship to be easy, to be obvious, to be natural, to feel right, to feel good, to feel peaceful.

I’ve been seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34 on the clock constantly lately. Numerous times a day, often. That has to be a good sign, right?

I’m so excited for the right person to show up for me. I don’t know when, but I feel so ready, I’m expecting it any moment now. Image result for upside down smiley  I’m not attached to any one person, I just know I want it and I want it ASAP. I’m excited for summer to come. I’m excited spring weather is FINALLY here!!! I’m excited to move to my own apartment in September! I want someone to spend my time with, someone to be able to have deep conversations with, someone to be affectionate with, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with and do all the fun things couples do! Go on dates with! Someone to share everything with! I love having someone to spoil and love and say sweet things to, and laugh and play with. And someone who loves me back! I know that it will come, it’s just a matter of when. And I know it’s not everything, and I do want other things, but I want that a lot too. Maybe even if it’s something short term, I’m thinking even just something for fun for a little while. I feel like the past few years have taught me to be more chilled out, relationship wise. To not let things bother me like they used to.

I suppose I have a lot of self-doubt at times. Some insecurities or what not. Like I’m questioning, should I be acting different? And I’ve been having these anxieties related to working at my internship with the social aspect of it. But who really cares about that so much? I just want to get my hours done. Yes, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, but it’s only another few weeks left. Anyway, I’m going to meditate and go to sleep. More work in the morning, at least the worst part is over!!! Hopefully I can get 2 papers done by tomorrow night!! Image result for fingers crossed emojiThat will be great to submit them both tomorrow night!! Alright, well goodnight, all!

P.S. Life is such a learning process…

Obsessing Thoughts about How I Look…

I just want to fix these thoughts that I recurringly have that bring me DOWN…

I fixate on how I look so much it’s unhealthy. I was thinking, once I get my hair cut the way I want it (a long bob), then I can just do it the same way everyday and not have to think about whether I like it or not. So that will be one thing out of the way.

Then there’s how I look in general where I judge myself when I look at other people, other females that I see on the streets of my city. Other females who look so good the way they’re dressed, and so confident. And as soon as I see anyone like that, I immediately compare myself and think I look less than them, I look not as confident, not as good, not as high energy, and every day I get dressed is a constant struggle to look “good enough”. Do other people experience this? What thoughts can I tell myself to get rid of these thoughts?

Maybe I can just get ready in the morning, do the best I can, and then say to myself, I like how I like, this looks good, I am okay and good with this, and then if I see another female on the street who looks really good, I can also say, I have the potential to look even better than I do, especially when I finish school and I’m working full time and I can have a lot more money to spend on clothes and how I look. But I can also say, I do like how I look now though, and it’s okay, and there are always going to be people I think look really good, and vice versa. Everyone is unique. I don’t want to hate myself for how I look when there are people who look all different ways and I don’t hate them or judge them for looking how they look, so I should treat myself the same.

Okay, I think I feel better now. Have to get to sleep… Night!

 

Quick Post

Ahh wine and ice cream and writing in my blog. So much in my head, all the time.Image result for upside down smiley emoji Crazy train. I know I really should stay focused on only the important things, the things that are good for me. But I was just in the shower and I thought about how I see myself with this one person in the future, yet right now, we don’t talk, and if I even saw him, I don’t even see us having a good, positive time. Maybe I should visualize us meeting, greeting and getting along. And honestly everything he does makes me mad or upset. Like how could we even formulate anything, when he would always be irritating me or something. I just want a relationship again, and I am ready for it NOW. Two of my friends just shacked up recently. I have to be totally okay with everything, like for example him wanting and being with someone else, everything. I am obsessing…

I am going to meditate and go to sleep… Good night!

Random Ramblings

I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!

Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times.  That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.

Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.

I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.

I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.

Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂

If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂

 

3 Men that Suck B****

I’m just going to write. Idk what to write about in particular. I set my timer for 15 minutes. But then I just sat here for 2 minutes. I feel so bored lately. There are things I want to do, but then I don’t actually feel super interested in doing them. Like the books I am reading. I started 2 of them in the past few days, but I feel like to get myself to actually sit and read them, even though I want to read them, I guess I don’t want to read them that badly. And there’s a million things I could do with my time. At any given moment, I can hardly get myself to figure out which thing to choose to do, because there’s just so many.

Anyway. There’s a lot I could type about too. Like the 3 guys I’m thinking about that I am not on good terms with. All for completely different reasons. They were actually all romantic interests at one time or another. But now I have since deleted and/or blocked them all on Facebook. 1 is married, and our connection is just too deep for me to be okay with accepting his friend request and finding out he just got his wife pregnant. It was like a grenade went off in my heart. I have no idea how he feels about all of this. But once I found that out I realized he is really committed to her and wants to be with her forever, and having a baby with someone is a big deal. Anyway though, I don’t want to dwell on it, it’s bringing me down. The 2nd one I liked a lot, and I thought he might like me back too, but I felt he was also pushing me away at times, and wasn’t giving me much back and it hurt me and I didn’t want to talk to him at all at a point. And our connection was inconsistent so sometimes we weren’t getting along and sometimes we were. Up and down up and down. And at the reception for my class’s artwork, he didn’t even want to talk to me at all, he wanted to completely ignore me. Which, I felt the same way at first, but I didn’t actually ignore him. I spoke to him right away. And he wouldn’t even look at me. And it was a few months after that that I deleted him as a friend on fb. Even though after the reception he liked every one of my profile pictures, as if saying, we are cool. But it all built up to so much that I was literally having bad dreams about him and feeling so horrible. And I was under so much stress with job interviews and feeling bad about myself that I was still working where I was that it made me want to delete him because I was so upset that he wasn’t giving me back what I was giving him and I felt rejected and bad about myself. Now it’s January 1st and of course we are not talking still. But I think about him all the time. And I think about how I can reconcile it, and wonder if he will message me one day or if we will run into each other some time. I really don’t know what to do or how to play this. I fantasize about being with him in the future. He’s the only person I see myself with yet I deleted him off of fb… Soo yeah. I talked to my friend about it before and she said to just send him a friend request, maybe send him a message and ask how he is. But I want him to initiate. Because I took so many steps toward initiating and he didn’t reciprocate. So I guess we’ll wait? It’s like a game though. To see who gives out quicker. It’s stupid. And although I like him a lot and feel a great connection… I didn’t get enough back from him… and he ignored me the last time I saw him… So I have reasons to not be the one to initiate, but so does he… Okay, well on to 3.

3 is a guy I met before Halloween. I was feeling good in my life. I met him, we dated for a bit, I liked him, but I didn’t get enough back from him either. He would ignore my messages for so long. Like he didn’t care or wasn’t interested or something. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was pissing me off. So I stopped talking to him. But I miss our friendship too. But despite how I feel I have to keep reminding myself that he was making me feel bad and he wasn’t giving me enough. Even though when I was with him he seemed like a perfectly nice guy and a good person. But he made me feel so ignored all the time.

So other than guys. I would like to focus on positives. I have to get my hamster out of her ball quick though… brb.

So I don’t know. I’ve been typing for a while. Sometimes free-writing is really good for me. Right now though I don’t feel like I want to write. I don’t feel a particular compulsion to write anything. And I’m so low on money right now it’s depressing. My account is going to get overdrawn on Tuesday when my car insurance automatically comes out, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I went out on NYE and it was stupid because I ended up spending a lot of money on alcohol and the clubs. Ended up just getting really sick. And being mostly bored. But I went out because I already told my friend I would, and I didn’t want to cheat her of her NYE. But my next paycheck is also not going to be much at all, since I had this whole past week off and the previous week I was sick for 2 days, so I didn’t get paid for that.

Okay, well I keep on getting side tracked so I’m going to end this rant here… G’night!