Tag Archives: relationships

Not sure what to title this

Just went out for my friend’s bday party. It was alright. I had 2 ppl from classes that I recognized and liked and got to sit next to the whole night. I liked my outfit, although once I was actually there I didn’t feel as confident in the outfit as I did when I wore it at home. I feel like I keep trying harder and harder. Ugh, and my hair! Why is it every time I do my hair to go out, it gets flat and I hate it and it’s ugh. It wasn’t flat when I first had it before I started to curl it and hairspray it. Maybe the product made it flat. Ugh. Hate it though. Maybe if I take longer to get ready and I buy that hair volumizing stuff I saw on Youtube… and don’t spray so much hairspray in it.

Not to mention, I am constantly fixated on whether or not someone likes me. Sometimes it will be one person, like tonight, it was one person in particular. And then I am just hyper sensitive to every little thing someone does. One person later in the night tonight did one small gesture, and granted, we were probably all pretty intoxicated, and I got shut down immediately on the inside. Anyone else feel this way, ever? Maybe I’ll talk to my therapist about it soon… but for now.. bedtime. Goodnight, world<3

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New Plan

Ugh. Getting everything out rn. Feeling so frustrated lately. Feeling unhappy off and on. Feel crabby. It’s 11:43pm, still kinda early (for me…).

I have been obsessing over my looks again… I need to just learn to let shit go? Been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and yes it’s been fun, mostly. I just have been bringing myself down by obsessing over my looks. Obsessing over not looking exactly how I want to look. I feel broken.

I was thinking about this guy I used to like (if you’ve read my previous posts, you probably know who I’m talking about…), and I was thinking how perfect I think he is, and wondering how he thinks of himself. I was imagining just telling him how perfect he is, and that he should just accept it about himself. But then I was thinking, “what if someone thought that about me?”

Again, I feel like I’m broken.

I wish I could accept myself how I am without thinking I need to be better somehow. I feel like my head is too small. I have these weird thoughts of thinking my energy needs to be “clearer”. I wish I could just LOVE and APPRECIATE myself where I am at. Some days are better than others. Since moving to Boston, it’s been rough for me. The transition was hard. Now that I’ve made new friends and am establishing myself more, it’s been a little better. Maybe I should write more. I used to write a lot. Maybe my expectations have gotten out of whack. Maybe my expectations about everything and especially anything to do with myself, are out of whack. Like why should I tell myself I should look like a supermodel. Not everyone does. It’s such an unloving thing to tell myself. I should just love myself how I am. It’s so easy to love others for who they are, and appreciate their uniqueness. Yet why is it so hard for me to love myself? Accept myself the way I am. Not feel like when someone rejects me like it’s because I’m not good enough. When that guy rejected me, I really felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like that’s why he rejected me. I wasn’t pretty enough, glowy enough, social enough, charming enough, popular enough… the list goes on. Maybe I’m just projecting that onto him, however, considering the law of attraction, doesn’t that mean then that I can’t possibly attract someone who think the world of me, if I don’t think that about myself? Although, I did it before…

So anyway, I need to stop this problem of thinking I don’t look good enough: maybe I can actively point out the positives, choose to accept the things I don’t like as much. Accept and focus on positives, new plan.

Random Thoughts Lately and me Re-evaluating My Life?

So a lot has happened recently, and it’s making me rethink a lot. Should I be different? Should I talk more? Express myself more? All these questions and thoughts make me feel exhausted, honestly.

I feel so ready for a relationship again. I want it NOW. I went out today across town and saw so many attractive men. I’m like, should I be more assertive, more confident? Idk. Or should I just be how I’ve always been, because the right person will be perfect for me? So many questions without any answers. The game of life. I want a relationship to be easy, to be obvious, to be natural, to feel right, to feel good, to feel peaceful.

I’ve been seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34 on the clock constantly lately. Numerous times a day, often. That has to be a good sign, right?

I’m so excited for the right person to show up for me. I don’t know when, but I feel so ready, I’m expecting it any moment now. Image result for upside down smiley  I’m not attached to any one person, I just know I want it and I want it ASAP. I’m excited for summer to come. I’m excited spring weather is FINALLY here!!! I’m excited to move to my own apartment in September! I want someone to spend my time with, someone to be able to have deep conversations with, someone to be affectionate with, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with and do all the fun things couples do! Go on dates with! Someone to share everything with! I love having someone to spoil and love and say sweet things to, and laugh and play with. And someone who loves me back! I know that it will come, it’s just a matter of when. And I know it’s not everything, and I do want other things, but I want that a lot too. Maybe even if it’s something short term, I’m thinking even just something for fun for a little while. I feel like the past few years have taught me to be more chilled out, relationship wise. To not let things bother me like they used to.

I suppose I have a lot of self-doubt at times. Some insecurities or what not. Like I’m questioning, should I be acting different? And I’ve been having these anxieties related to working at my internship with the social aspect of it. But who really cares about that so much? I just want to get my hours done. Yes, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, but it’s only another few weeks left. Anyway, I’m going to meditate and go to sleep. More work in the morning, at least the worst part is over!!! Hopefully I can get 2 papers done by tomorrow night!! Image result for fingers crossed emojiThat will be great to submit them both tomorrow night!! Alright, well goodnight, all!

P.S. Life is such a learning process…

Quick Post

Ahh wine and ice cream and writing in my blog. So much in my head, all the time.Image result for upside down smiley emoji Crazy train. I know I really should stay focused on only the important things, the things that are good for me. But I was just in the shower and I thought about how I see myself with this one person in the future, yet right now, we don’t talk, and if I even saw him, I don’t even see us having a good, positive time. Maybe I should visualize us meeting, greeting and getting along. And honestly everything he does makes me mad or upset. Like how could we even formulate anything, when he would always be irritating me or something. I just want a relationship again, and I am ready for it NOW. Two of my friends just shacked up recently. I have to be totally okay with everything, like for example him wanting and being with someone else, everything. I am obsessing…

I am going to meditate and go to sleep… Good night!

Random Ramblings

I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!

Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times.  That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.

Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.

I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.

I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.

Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂

If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂

 

Ranting…men need to disappear out of my life…

Lately I’ve been thinking I have a lot to write about, many separate topics to write about individually. And right now, I feel like I could just free-write in general and see where that goes.

There’s so much I could end up talking about, so I guess it’ll be fun for anyone reading this to discover where this blog post ends up taking me. Ugh, so there’s this guy I work with at my internship. Out of nowhere, he has gained my attention. I don’t even know how?? At first, I thought, okay, he’s average-looking, not a big deal to me, didn’t feel much of a connection, then not that long ago, all of a sudden I’m feeling this crazy-intense connection with him, and now I’m getting crazy nervous whenever he’s around. It’s kind of fun in a way, because I haven’t felt like this in a years. Nobody has grabbed my attention like he has since the last guy, and I haven’t seen the last guy in a year… The last guy ended up being nothing to me. I told him how I felt about him, and he apparently didn’t give a fuck, since he didn’t even want to open and read my facebook message until 3 days later when I told him to go fuck himself, that’s when he opened it and wrote me a long email (since I blocked him on Facebook) apologizing and what not. But it was too late. I felt completely mortified. And this was all after we had gone to Paris together for my study abroad trip and he had his knee on mine under the table.   But as I’m typing all this, I realize, I’m blowing this all up… it doesn’t have to continue to be this big deal to me. I’m glad I blocked him, because I don’t need him as a distraction in my life anymore. And now that experience is teaching me to not let a guy into my emotions and mind as quickly as I did before, and it has grounded me. Now I met this guy I’m working with now… And out of nowhere he has shown up and I feel this crazy connection and it’s starting again,…. the visualizing… the fantasizing… when in REALITY when I left work last Thursday, I felt awful and I felt like somewhat of a failure because I was feeling so down and disconnected and, as a result, I felt so distanced from him (and everyone else around me). I left there not even remotely feeling connected to him. We barely speak. I barely work with him. We don’t work closely with one another. I feel like I get this face on where I look angry and it pushes him away and pushes everyone away. I get in these moods where I feel so down at work. I feel bipolar. And he’s all Mr. Popular and socializes with everyone constantly. And I’m just an intern, so I don’t interact with everyone as much, I don’t have the opportunity to. And he’s going to a baseball game with one of the female therapists, and his parents have seats next to her. Is it a date? Ugh. My initial impression was that it wasn’t a date, because she’s bigger and I just didn’t think he’d be inter her, but I have no idea. And I feel so unattractive sometimes. And I have these mood swings and I feel like how could be possibly be into me with my mood swings. And I think to myself, “I would date him”, and yet I don’t show that to him whatsoever, and like I said, we barely talk. And I have no idea what he thinks. And I’m terrified of getting hurt again, and I want to avoid it at all costs. But I can’t avoid him because I work with him. And I can’t hide how I feel because it shows on my face. And do other people have these insecurities? He comes off as so confident to me. Maybe I come off as so confident to him. I don’t want to get distracted by men. And now I can’t avoid him. And I didn’t want to be in this situation again where I’m thinking of a man and IDK if he gives a f about me or not. I can easily imagine him not giving an f. And he pursued going to this baseball game with the therapist so hard. And he got his haircut and I don’t like it and he was wearing this jacket the other night and I don’t like it at all either. And I still think about this other man from a year ago and still imagine we would have this thing together at some point and I’m confused. I know for sure one thing: I am not going to pursue anything with any man. I can be happy thinking about the fact that I’m only going to be there another 2 months. That’s 8 weeks. What will happen or change in 8 weeks? Anything? Nothing? Will I just end my internship and nothing will change? Fine. I know I cannot pursue anything with anyone. And this internship… Ugh it is so hard for me to stay in the “vortex” (consult “Abraham Hicks vortex”) while I’m at internship sometimes, most of the time. And it is so weird that I think about him so heavily when I’m not there and when I am there we don’t speak much at all and have this weird thing. I’m just going to continue working on myself for a while. I’m excited I have off tomorrow, nothing to do!!! Maybe from now on I can just work 1 day per week? All day and make $300? Then that’s it for the week? No, that’s not enough… I just want to pay my May’s rent asap. When can I do that? I should plan this out.