Tag Archives: self esteem

Noticing my lack of Self Worth

I was looking at doctors online, and I looked at one doctor, and I had this thought, what if she gets upset when her patients and their families get mad at her, and she accepts them getting mad at her, as opposed to another doctor who might not even accept their patients getting upset with them, who might not internalize it per se.

And it made me think of how I get upset when my clients in therapy get mad at me or don’t think I’m doing a good job. I want to be like the people who would never be upset at clients being upset with them. Who would never take it personally. I was thinking when I saw the doctor online and thought that she might take things personally (just a random thought of mine, I don’t know her at all), and I thought, but she’s a doctor, why would she accept that? And the same is true for me as a therapist, I’m (going to be soon) a therapist, why would I accept my clients being upset with me? I want to figure this out and rise above it. If I look at a doctor and think they don’t deserve it, then I don’t deserve it either, right? We are both in our respective professions. Will I ever not accept bad treatment? Do I need to have some kind of epiphany? Some breakthrough to realize something? I guess it’s a good first step that I recognize it is happening and that I want to change it.

On an unrelated matter, I should look into seeing a therapist myself. Someone outside of school that my health insurance would cover, someone good! I should look into that…

 

 

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New Plan

Ugh. Getting everything out rn. Feeling so frustrated lately. Feeling unhappy off and on. Feel crabby. It’s 11:43pm, still kinda early (for me…).

I have been obsessing over my looks again… I need to just learn to let shit go? Been hanging out with friends a lot lately, and yes it’s been fun, mostly. I just have been bringing myself down by obsessing over my looks. Obsessing over not looking exactly how I want to look. I feel broken.

I was thinking about this guy I used to like (if you’ve read my previous posts, you probably know who I’m talking about…), and I was thinking how perfect I think he is, and wondering how he thinks of himself. I was imagining just telling him how perfect he is, and that he should just accept it about himself. But then I was thinking, “what if someone thought that about me?”

Again, I feel like I’m broken.

I wish I could accept myself how I am without thinking I need to be better somehow. I feel like my head is too small. I have these weird thoughts of thinking my energy needs to be “clearer”. I wish I could just LOVE and APPRECIATE myself where I am at. Some days are better than others. Since moving to Boston, it’s been rough for me. The transition was hard. Now that I’ve made new friends and am establishing myself more, it’s been a little better. Maybe I should write more. I used to write a lot. Maybe my expectations have gotten out of whack. Maybe my expectations about everything and especially anything to do with myself, are out of whack. Like why should I tell myself I should look like a supermodel. Not everyone does. It’s such an unloving thing to tell myself. I should just love myself how I am. It’s so easy to love others for who they are, and appreciate their uniqueness. Yet why is it so hard for me to love myself? Accept myself the way I am. Not feel like when someone rejects me like it’s because I’m not good enough. When that guy rejected me, I really felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, like that’s why he rejected me. I wasn’t pretty enough, glowy enough, social enough, charming enough, popular enough… the list goes on. Maybe I’m just projecting that onto him, however, considering the law of attraction, doesn’t that mean then that I can’t possibly attract someone who think the world of me, if I don’t think that about myself? Although, I did it before…

So anyway, I need to stop this problem of thinking I don’t look good enough: maybe I can actively point out the positives, choose to accept the things I don’t like as much. Accept and focus on positives, new plan.

CBT Work from Today…

So I got done hanging out with a friend for the past 24+ hrs and I honestly feel a little bad. I enjoyed my time, but some of my own issues came up.

We went to the beach, and after being at the beach for hours, I noticed she got kind of more quiet. I started to feel the energy just kind of dull more. Naturally, I started talking a little more. She did not reciprocate. Of course, we were both beat after several hours of laying on the beach and being in the hot sun. But I started to internalize this dip in the mood. I took her response personally. I started to feel BAD.

And when we got in the car, she quickly turned the radio on and up quite loud, honestly to the point where it was slightly uncomfortable for me. Which generally I don’t do if I have people in the car, because it kind of inhibits conversation, and it’s almost a way to say, “I don’t want to talk to you right now”, or at least I took it that way, or at least considered it a possibility.

So anyway… We get back to her place, we each shower, get ready… I feel the mood has lifted for both of us at this point. We go to the restaurant… food was great, she loved the place I recommended… music was cool too (live salsa music). Things are better.

But I hate internalizing this dip in mood and her dip in the way she is treating me. I know it is me opening myself up to it, whereas before I was not. I don’t want to ever do that. I want to always keep my confidence in that situation.

So, how can I feel better about the situation? What can I say to myself to make myself not feel bad over it?

When someone treats me badly, I feel badly. I want to not do this, not just about her… So what can I tell myself to feel better.

“They’re not being very pleasant at all right now, and that’s undesirable in a person. I’m glad I don’t act like that. I’m really pleasant to people, almost always. I can do something else/think about something else/go somewhere else/talk to someone else. I can focus on what makes me happy, cuz this doesn’t. I certainly don’t have to accept it and feel bad. They’re the ones who are being unpleasant, not me. That’s just who they are. No one deserves to be treated like that.”

I want to feel better about being treated like garbage. “They have feelings, they’re allowed to feel crappy and want space or whatever they want…”

I also want to feel better about having a small face/head… I get insecure about it… and she looks so much bigger and more confident or whatever. But I guess I have my own look, doesn’t have to be a certain way.

 

Working through panic and anxiety

So I had a panic attack at work last Thursday. It was pretty bad. I got pretty low. I mostly felt panicked at how low I felt and how I felt my face was looking angry. The look on my face has been something that has bothered me for a long time now, but I didn’t know what to do about it for a long time. I think the best thing I can do now is distract myself and keep shifting my focus away from it and on to something else as best I can. The word “bipolar” popped into my head the other day when I was meeting with the treatment team at my internship, and Idk where it came from. I wonder if I do appear bipolar to people at my internship, because sometimes I can seem pretty high and sometimes I get quite low.  I mean, it is what it is, of course. I don’t want to come off that way, I want to be more even tempered. I do not want to dip as low as I have been. When I do dip, it gets very, very low… I mean I felt absolutely lifeless last Thursday. I was having horrible panic attacks… and I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I didn’t want to be around anyone. Now I feel that I would go be around people and try to talk to people, at least so I’m not alone, and I think that would make me feel better. I worked on my CBT over the weekend and came up with some helpful thoughts I can think, such as “it’s only 1 day I have to get through at a time”, “I can get up and go anywhere, go take a walk, go to Molly’s office, go anywhere…go to the bathroom…walk around anywhere…I can even leave if I really feel I need to…”, “do not panic unless there is an actual need to panic”, “I have a life outside of St. *****’S. I was also panicking at the difference in how people and the kids are perceiving me and treating me from when I’m happy to when I’m down. I can also enjoy my drive up there in the morning, which is a long drive… and make sure I get up early enough in the morning to have enough time to get ready. This will reduce my anxiety. Also bringing a lunch will be nice.

I also keep having these self-criticizing thoughts that are very persistent and constant. I think meditation will help them.

I keep having this excessive paranoia that people are not liking me… I imagine them saying negative things about me behind my back… etc…

So in the morning I can ask Jenny if she talked to *** about doing groups…

I’ve Been Feeling Bad About Myself Lately. And I Say Fuck That.

I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately. And I say fuck that. I should never feel bad about myself. No one should ever feel bad about themselves. My boss did not treat me well from the moment I started working there. And twice now I walked into a room and thought I was being talked about. I know I have a team of Archangels on my side. I saw a psychic the other day who said I literally had 2 standing right behind me. I know my intentions are always good. So why do I keep sucking in all the bad when people throw it my way? Why do I feel I deserve it? I don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing but kindness and love. That’s all I want to give. And anyone who gives me anything but, that’s on them.

I should make an esteemed effort to look for another job tomorrow. I already applied to 2 so far. My boss is insufferable. I find it challenging and taxing to work with her. And my other coworker has talked about her to me, that she frustrates her a lot, but yet they are so tight when we’re all working together. And my other coworker is like a 2nd boss, as a result. She is a lot better to work with though. She is friendlier and helped me so much when I first started working at the studio.

But I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately, esp while being at work. Mostly because my boss is so terrible. But I want to be more positive about it. I want to get along with her better, but my efforts were all futile so far. And now I don’t even think she likes me for a couple reasons. But she sucks, and a lot of people have a hard time with her and think she sucks. And if Theresa wants to not like me too, she sucks too then. Birds of a feather can suck together. 

Making more art lately is very inspiring to me. I just want to make shit. No limitations or standards or expectations at all, solely me expressing the shit out of myself. I’m going to go downstairs and search for food, and then I am thinking about coming back up here to my room and exploring some art ideas.