So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”
I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!
Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times. That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.
Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.
I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.
I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.
Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂
If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂
I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.
I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.
Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.