I AM SO SICK OF FEELING INFERIOR. I AM SO DONE WITH IT. It is what ruins my moods, my days, closes my chakras (my throat chakra especially). No lie, I can feel it closed. It sucks. I am so sick of it. I know it is such bullshit. I know I am equally valuable as everyone else. I just need to truly believe it deep down and FEEL IT.
I keep comparing myself to this one girl in my class. And of course only in a negative way. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like, her energy is “clearer”. And clear all the time.
I don’t want to look at another girl or person again and feel that horrible feeling of inferiority. It DEPLETES my energy. Like I am at home now… been home for a little while, and ate dinner, and am listening to Adele on YouTube (she’s healin’ my heart rn…), and I feel SO much better! I don’t want to ever deplete my own energy via my stupid thoughts. Like why do I keep thinking this girl in my class is like, better than me or above me. And I start to think these thoughts so strong I’m feeling them and I feel like I am emitting them. I must be. She must pick up on the vibe that I feel inferior.
Anyway, it’s bullshit. I make myself feel so bad sometimes. It’s horrible. I want to–I NEED to–get over it. Why don’t I feel good and strong, and unique and confident on my own?
I also feel like I have this dark energy… like sometimes I don’t, sometimes I feel very light. I can just feel my energy shining through me and what I’m wearing, fully. But then other times I don’t feel that. I feel like I need to look a certain way or I’m not happy.
It’s like my self esteem is so fragile. I am constantly negative-self-talking to myself.
I spend so much time thinking about these things. Maybe I should just stop thinking about them altogether. Think about them less, and think less in general? Idk. I don’t want to waste my life feeling bad and having bad emotions. Luckily, I can meet with my therapist this week and talk to her about it. I wonder if anybody else feels the way I do about other people’s energy looking “clearer”, or feeling dark or whatever… If you feel that way, please do let me know!! I would love to hear your thoughts.
Also, I want to be attractive. I want to feel attractive. Right now, I feel like I’m choked up from my throat chakra being closed most of today, and I feel like it makes me look awkward. And I feel like my arms look skinny and awkward.
Anyway, I have to do my reading for class… Thanks for reading my post!