I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.
I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.
Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.
I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately. And I say fuck that. I should never feel bad about myself. No one should ever feel bad about themselves. My boss did not treat me well from the moment I started working there. And twice now I walked into a room and thought I was being talked about. I know I have a team of Archangels on my side. I saw a psychic the other day who said I literally had 2 standing right behind me. I know my intentions are always good. So why do I keep sucking in all the bad when people throw it my way? Why do I feel I deserve it? I don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing but kindness and love. That’s all I want to give. And anyone who gives me anything but, that’s on them.
I should make an esteemed effort to look for another job tomorrow. I already applied to 2 so far. My boss is insufferable. I find it challenging and taxing to work with her. And my other coworker has talked about her to me, that she frustrates her a lot, but yet they are so tight when we’re all working together. And my other coworker is like a 2nd boss, as a result. She is a lot better to work with though. She is friendlier and helped me so much when I first started working at the studio.
But I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately, esp while being at work. Mostly because my boss is so terrible. But I want to be more positive about it. I want to get along with her better, but my efforts were all futile so far. And now I don’t even think she likes me for a couple reasons. But she sucks, and a lot of people have a hard time with her and think she sucks. And if Theresa wants to not like me too, she sucks too then. Birds of a feather can suck together.
Making more art lately is very inspiring to me. I just want to make shit. No limitations or standards or expectations at all, solely me expressing the shit out of myself. I’m going to go downstairs and search for food, and then I am thinking about coming back up here to my room and exploring some art ideas.
Writing about today.
One thing that happened today really stuck with me. I got out of work at 4pm. It is now almost 1am, and I went out to the movies with a friend, and it is still on my mind. I’m just not sure how to handle when I see this manager again at work. He was so rude to me, I want to say something to him, be very direct. Yet I have to be careful I don’t go too far because I don’t want to get fired either. And my one executive kept walking past me in the back room today too to watch me… Luckily I actually was working the whole time, he didn’t catch me on my phone at all. I got a lot back stocked that day, actually. But he just kept walking by. Idk. Luckily, I won’t be there much longer. I’ll be done with school soon. I don’t want to work at Target anymore, that’s for sure. I would like a job in the psychology field. I’m sick of people treating other people like shit in that store. And I’m sick of the hierarchy there. And the environment and the job. I just haven’t heard back from the 2 grad schools I applied to yet, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen there, meaning if I’ll start grad school in the fall or not. Idk how I would afford living somewhere while I’m in school either. But people do it, somehow. I will figure it out.
I have school work to do tomorrow. Luckily I get to sleep in. It was nice to be able to go out tonight. It’s so rare.
I just grabbed a glass of wine. Chocolate wine. It has an interesting flavor, that’s for sure.
It is the end of February already. Just 2 more months of school left, basically, then the end of the semester. Then some free time and then my 2 summer classes and then I graduate in August! So… 2 more months… plus we have spring break and Easter break… So it’s actually more like 1.5 months. 6 weeks. I can do that, for sure. The whole point is to get through it to achieve my bachelor’s degree. Although I also want to enjoy the journey. (Even though the classes I have this semester are classes I am taking because I have to take them, for the most part.) But then I have to really figure out what I am going to do with myself. I want to get out of Target asap.
I’ve been looking at jobs on indeed.com within the hospital. Not sure if I should take one for part time until the fall or not. Or if I should look for one that requires a bachelors or not, since I’m almost done.
Well I’m going to get to sleep for now…