Tag Archives: work

Noticing my lack of Self Worth

I was looking at doctors online, and I looked at one doctor, and I had this thought, what if she gets upset when her patients and their families get mad at her, and she accepts them getting mad at her, as opposed to another doctor who might not even accept their patients getting upset with them, who might not internalize it per se.

And it made me think of how I get upset when my clients in therapy get mad at me or don’t think I’m doing a good job. I want to be like the people who would never be upset at clients being upset with them. Who would never take it personally. I was thinking when I saw the doctor online and thought that she might take things personally (just a random thought of mine, I don’t know her at all), and I thought, but she’s a doctor, why would she accept that? And the same is true for me as a therapist, I’m (going to be soon) a therapist, why would I accept my clients being upset with me? I want to figure this out and rise above it. If I look at a doctor and think they don’t deserve it, then I don’t deserve it either, right? We are both in our respective professions. Will I ever not accept bad treatment? Do I need to have some kind of epiphany? Some breakthrough to realize something? I guess it’s a good first step that I recognize it is happening and that I want to change it.

On an unrelated matter, I should look into seeing a therapist myself. Someone outside of school that my health insurance would cover, someone good! I should look into that…

 

 

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My Day Today

So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”

Random Ramblings

I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!

Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times.  That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.

Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.

I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.

I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.

Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂

If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂

 

Positivity!

I can get back to peace and joy and love and self-confidence. I can get anywhere I want to go from where I am. Tuesday turned out to be a good day. I had some good moments. I’m not looking back, because I’m not going that way. I can start tomorrow as a brand new day. I can set my intention to having a great day. Colleen can finish her artwork, I will have one more piece of art to hang up. Maybe I can even run a group myself around 3, since Molly isn’t there, that way I can have more mandalas made? Anyway, I can get myself exited in the morning, listen to music I like on the way home. Then I am done in 8 hours from then. Even fewer hours than that really, since I will leave for lunch. I should do meditations in the morning too. Before I leave, for like 10-20 minutes.

Alright, this was a short post, but I gotta get to sleep… I’m exhausted.

I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.

 

I’ve Been Feeling Bad About Myself Lately. And I Say Fuck That.

I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately. And I say fuck that. I should never feel bad about myself. No one should ever feel bad about themselves. My boss did not treat me well from the moment I started working there. And twice now I walked into a room and thought I was being talked about. I know I have a team of Archangels on my side. I saw a psychic the other day who said I literally had 2 standing right behind me. I know my intentions are always good. So why do I keep sucking in all the bad when people throw it my way? Why do I feel I deserve it? I don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing but kindness and love. That’s all I want to give. And anyone who gives me anything but, that’s on them.

I should make an esteemed effort to look for another job tomorrow. I already applied to 2 so far. My boss is insufferable. I find it challenging and taxing to work with her. And my other coworker has talked about her to me, that she frustrates her a lot, but yet they are so tight when we’re all working together. And my other coworker is like a 2nd boss, as a result. She is a lot better to work with though. She is friendlier and helped me so much when I first started working at the studio.

But I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately, esp while being at work. Mostly because my boss is so terrible. But I want to be more positive about it. I want to get along with her better, but my efforts were all futile so far. And now I don’t even think she likes me for a couple reasons. But she sucks, and a lot of people have a hard time with her and think she sucks. And if Theresa wants to not like me too, she sucks too then. Birds of a feather can suck together. 

Making more art lately is very inspiring to me. I just want to make shit. No limitations or standards or expectations at all, solely me expressing the shit out of myself. I’m going to go downstairs and search for food, and then I am thinking about coming back up here to my room and exploring some art ideas.

Next Step in Life?

Writing about today.

One thing that happened today really stuck with me. I got out of work at 4pm. It is now almost 1am, and I went out to the movies with a friend, and it is still on my mind. I’m just not sure how to handle when I see this manager again at work. He was so rude to me, I want to say something to him, be very direct. Yet I have to be careful I don’t go too far because I don’t want to get fired either. And my one executive kept walking past me in the back room today too to watch me… Luckily I actually was working the whole time, he didn’t catch me on my phone at all. I got a lot back stocked that day, actually. But he just kept walking by. Idk. Luckily, I won’t be there much longer. I’ll be done with school soon. I don’t want to work at Target anymore, that’s for sure. I would like a job in the psychology field. I’m sick of people treating other people like shit in that store. And I’m sick of the hierarchy there. And the environment and the job. I just haven’t heard back from the 2 grad schools I applied to yet, so I’m not sure what’s going to happen there, meaning if I’ll start grad school in the fall or not. Idk how I would afford living somewhere while I’m in school either. But people do it, somehow. I will figure it out.

I have school work to do tomorrow. Luckily I get to sleep in. It was nice to be able to go out tonight. It’s so rare.

I just grabbed a glass of wine. Chocolate wine. It has an interesting flavor, that’s for sure.

It is the end of February already. Just 2 more months of school left, basically, then the end of the semester. Then some free time and then my 2 summer classes and then I graduate in August! So… 2 more months… plus we have spring break and Easter break… So it’s actually more like 1.5 months. 6 weeks. I can do that, for sure. The whole point is to get through it to achieve my bachelor’s degree. Although I also want to enjoy the journey. (Even though the classes I have this semester are classes I am taking because I have to take them, for the most part.) But then I have to really figure out what I am going to do with myself. I want to get out of Target asap.

I’ve been looking at jobs on indeed.com within the hospital. Not sure if I should take one for part time until the fall or not. Or if I should look for one that requires a bachelors or not, since I’m almost done.

Well I’m going to get to sleep for now…

Good night!