So I don’t even know what to say… so I’m just going to free-write right now. Lately, my thoughts have been so confusing… all over the place… And right now, my roommates and I are having a Halloween party at my apartment. It is still loud and chaotic outside of my bedroom door right now. My friend fell asleep on my bed. I’m up typing. I would really like to brush my teeth and get water. But I put lounge clothes on, and Idk if I want to face the crowd in order to do that. I have been so into my thoughts lately. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in my head a lot, lonely… I know moving is stressful, and especially moving to a city where I started public transportation, with the addition of starting a grad program, and a new job. And a new apartment, with 3 roommates. Everything in my life is new. And making money was scaring me too. I’m doing this DoorDash thing where I’m making deliveries. The job itself wasn’t attractive to me, but my roommate makes almost $30 an hour. I really can’t beat that right now… And it’s super convenient. I can go out and dash on call. And dash for an hour… or 4 hours… and I can stop at any point randomly, and it doesn’t penalize me at all. I also started meditating every day. Although meditating right now seems weird since I’ve had some alcohol.
Well I just finished a 15 minute meditation session and it was completely ineffective. I couldn’t focus for s***.
Idk what I’ll do tomorrow. I feel so depressed lately. I don’t feel strong lately. I feel out of it. I think having money coming back in will help to feel better, for sure. I just have to get the rest of December’s rent, which I’m only a few hundred away from… And then I have all of November and December to save up for January and February’s rent.
Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. My friend is asleep on my bed, Idk if I want to lay next to her, because I’m currently sleeping on an air mattress, and it’ll probably be loud when I lay down. I feel so out of it right now. Meeting all these new people and observing and thinking about the way they perceive life and the different dynamics that exist in life is freaking me out lately. I feel un-centered and unbalanced. I don’t feel like myself lately. Do I even remember what that feels like? I’ve been oversleeping like crazy every day. I just keep wanting to go to sleep.
thepanicpersona 