Halloween Party at my House Tonight…

So I don’t even know what to say… so I’m just going to free-write right now. Lately, my thoughts have been so confusing… all over the place… And right now, my roommates and I are having a Halloween party at my apartment. It is still loud and chaotic outside of my bedroom door right now. My friend fell asleep on my bed. I’m up typing. I would really like to brush my teeth and get water. But I put lounge clothes on, and Idk if I want to face the crowd in order to do that. I have been so into my thoughts lately. I feel exhausted. I feel like I’m in my head a lot, lonely… I know moving is stressful, and especially moving to a city where I started public transportation, with the addition of starting a grad program, and a new job. And a new apartment, with 3 roommates. Everything in my life is new. And making money was scaring me too. I’m doing this DoorDash thing where I’m making deliveries. The job itself wasn’t attractive to me, but my roommate makes almost $30 an hour. I really can’t beat that right now… And it’s super convenient. I can go out and dash on call. And dash for an hour… or 4 hours… and I can stop at any point randomly, and it doesn’t penalize me at all. I also started meditating every day. Although meditating right now seems weird since I’ve had some alcohol.

Well I just finished a 15 minute meditation session and it was completely ineffective. I couldn’t focus for s***.

Idk what I’ll do tomorrow. I feel so depressed lately. I don’t feel strong lately. I feel out of it. I think having money coming back in will help to feel better, for sure. I just have to get the rest of December’s rent, which I’m only a few hundred away from… And then I have all of November and December to save up for January and February’s rent.

Yeah, I don’t even know what to say. My friend is asleep on my bed, Idk if I want to lay next to her, because I’m currently sleeping on an air mattress, and it’ll probably be loud when I lay down. I feel so out of it right now. Meeting all these new people and observing and thinking about the way they perceive life and the different dynamics that exist in life is freaking me out lately. I feel un-centered and unbalanced. I don’t feel like myself lately. Do I even remember what that feels like? I’ve been oversleeping like crazy every day. I just keep wanting to go to sleep.

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Positive Aspects of Beginning my First Internship Tomorrow

So I’m tired, and I am starting my internship tomorrow. I’m trying to make a list of positives, because I am nervous, and it is so late, and I am not going to get enough sleep as is 😦 . But I was up organizing my room in my new apartment, and I desperately needed to. It was a mess with stuff piled everywhere and boxes stacked on top of one another.

1.) I get to enjoy a relaxing drive in my car, instead of taking public transportation.

2.) I am beginning a new professional journey, and now I will have stuff to talk about at my clinical class Wednesday!

3.) I am going to learn so much.

4.) My supervisor seems super nice.

5.) I get to help kids in difficult, crisis situations, and feel like my job is very rewarding.

6.) It will be 8 months. That’s not even that long… Idk if that’s a positive or not… but…

7.) It is only 2 days a week.

8.) Everything is going to go smoothly tomorrow.

9.) I am spending my time doing something incredibly valuable. What else would I really rather do? (Other than just for pleasure…)

10.) Imagine how good I’m going to feel when I’m done tomorrow. Day 2 on Thursday will be so much easier!

I am Really Happy/Joyous/Ecstatic About This!

(This is actually me using Abraham Hicks’ Focus Wheel process to change my negative mindset about this into a positive one. So here it goes.)

 

*Just stating inside the vortex goal shifts your energy

*”You have to focus. You can’t be limp and all over the place. You have to FOCUS.”

 

1.) What is meant for me is far greater than what is not meant for me.

2.) I’m thrilled at knowing that the relationship that I’ve created is available and ready for my discovery.

3.) I love the idea that what I want is ready for me.

4.) It’s certain that it’s coming, and it doesn’t matter when it comes because I know it’s coming.

5.) I believe in the power of the vortex and I believe in my power to get in.

6.) I AM ECSTATIC TO KNOW THAT THE UNIVERSE MATCHED ME WITH THE PERFECT PARTNER.

 

 

Random-Ass Musings.

I used to write a lot. In journals, in this blog. Then I slowed down a lot. But I’ve been thinking lately about how much our minds store in our subconscious and unconscious. Doing CBT every once in a while causes me to think about just how much of our every day functions and thoughts come from beliefs that are still totally unconscious to us. I wish I could just fix every wrong thought or belief in my mind so I would mentally be functioning with 100%, (although I realize how totally unrealistic and impossible this is), but with so much buried in our brains, will I ever uncover everything that’s holding me back from reaching my full potential? Is that even possible for anyone? I like to think to a certain extent it is. That the majority of our cognitive distortions/dysfunctions could be brought to the light of our consciousness to the point where we could have basically uncovered everything. I definitely want to be optimistic and believe that. Even if it took years of therapy.

I’ve just been thinking lately that… there’s so much I’m thinking. Even subconsciously. There are beliefs and thoughts I have that I only partially consciously express, but I know are bubbling under the surface of my conscious mind.

I have a headache all of a sudden. Too much junk food…

A lot of free-writing prompts suggest to just keep writing even if you don’t know what to say or what you’re saying…just keep writing. So that’s what I’m going to keep doing. I had a bunch that I could have started to write about when I first started this blog post. Now I don’t know what to say.

My counselor has suggested to me to really take time to consider someone’s opinion before integrating it into mine. This was specifically about others’ opinions of me. Because there was something at work that was really bothering me. That my boss was saying that I just seemed “sad”. It made me feel weird and strange and like there was something wrong with me. But her opinion of me is judgmental and wrong. It’s true I was having a hard time for a little while there. But I got past it, and I sought the help I needed with an online counselor (which I highly recommend btw!) and I started taking Prozac again for the first time in about 5 or 6 years.

I’m excited about starting grad school. I have these visions of meeting everyone in my cohort and everything just being sunshine and rainbows. But then I think about my undergrad experience and how Idk where I stand with a lot of people, and negative experiences I had that really hurt me that I just couldn’t shake for the life of me. Gives me a little anxiety. Nevertheless, I’m still really excited for grad school to start in the fall :-). Can’t wait to pursue my future career as an art therapist!

I swear I had a lot more I wanted to write about earlier.

Maybe I’ll think of them and make a list and then write about them later.

Well I’m gonna take my sleeping pill, read my book, then meditate until I fall asleep…

Goodnight!

 

I’m Nervous to go to Work Tomorrow

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. No reason out of the ordinary, just nervous to be around my coworkers again. I hope by some miracle my boss isn’t there. I love when she’s not there.

I hope this book I’m reading, Spirit Junkie, helps me a lot. I’m going to do all the exercises in the book, but this one I’m doing now is confusing me. I’m not sure exactly what she means. It’s intriguing so far.She talks about making people “special” in our eyes, like when we’re in a relationship and our world revolves around a relationship with that person, we’ve made them “special” in our eyes. And the chapter I’m on now is about how to “de-special” people. We could make anyone “special”, and put them on a pedestal, or even put things, like a certain weight on a pedestal and make them “special”. The problem with making things “special”, according to the book, is that we use it to feel bad about ourselves, either when we’re not with the special person, or they break up with us, or we’re not at that weight, or we look up to them and down at ourselves, etc. I can definitely identify with that. I seem to put everyone on a pedestal above myself though.

Well, I wanted to write this post initially to just vent about my stress about going into work tomorrow, hoping writing it out would help me. (Free writing can be very magical at times.) But I’m not sure what else to say about it other than that I’m nervous about it. I’m sure it will be like any other day.

 

I’ve Been Feeling Bad About Myself Lately. And I Say Fuck That.

I’ve been feeling bad about myself lately. And I say fuck that. I should never feel bad about myself. No one should ever feel bad about themselves. My boss did not treat me well from the moment I started working there. And twice now I walked into a room and thought I was being talked about. I know I have a team of Archangels on my side. I saw a psychic the other day who said I literally had 2 standing right behind me. I know my intentions are always good. So why do I keep sucking in all the bad when people throw it my way? Why do I feel I deserve it? I don’t deserve it. I deserve nothing but kindness and love. That’s all I want to give. And anyone who gives me anything but, that’s on them.

I should make an esteemed effort to look for another job tomorrow. I already applied to 2 so far. My boss is insufferable. I find it challenging and taxing to work with her. And my other coworker has talked about her to me, that she frustrates her a lot, but yet they are so tight when we’re all working together. And my other coworker is like a 2nd boss, as a result. She is a lot better to work with though. She is friendlier and helped me so much when I first started working at the studio.

But I’ve been feeling so bad about myself lately, esp while being at work. Mostly because my boss is so terrible. But I want to be more positive about it. I want to get along with her better, but my efforts were all futile so far. And now I don’t even think she likes me for a couple reasons. But she sucks, and a lot of people have a hard time with her and think she sucks. And if Theresa wants to not like me too, she sucks too then. Birds of a feather can suck together. 

Making more art lately is very inspiring to me. I just want to make shit. No limitations or standards or expectations at all, solely me expressing the shit out of myself. I’m going to go downstairs and search for food, and then I am thinking about coming back up here to my room and exploring some art ideas.

3 Men that Suck B****

I’m just going to write. Idk what to write about in particular. I set my timer for 15 minutes. But then I just sat here for 2 minutes. I feel so bored lately. There are things I want to do, but then I don’t actually feel super interested in doing them. Like the books I am reading. I started 2 of them in the past few days, but I feel like to get myself to actually sit and read them, even though I want to read them, I guess I don’t want to read them that badly. And there’s a million things I could do with my time. At any given moment, I can hardly get myself to figure out which thing to choose to do, because there’s just so many.

Anyway. There’s a lot I could type about too. Like the 3 guys I’m thinking about that I am not on good terms with. All for completely different reasons. They were actually all romantic interests at one time or another. But now I have since deleted and/or blocked them all on Facebook. 1 is married, and our connection is just too deep for me to be okay with accepting his friend request and finding out he just got his wife pregnant. It was like a grenade went off in my heart. I have no idea how he feels about all of this. But once I found that out I realized he is really committed to her and wants to be with her forever, and having a baby with someone is a big deal. Anyway though, I don’t want to dwell on it, it’s bringing me down. The 2nd one I liked a lot, and I thought he might like me back too, but I felt he was also pushing me away at times, and wasn’t giving me much back and it hurt me and I didn’t want to talk to him at all at a point. And our connection was inconsistent so sometimes we weren’t getting along and sometimes we were. Up and down up and down. And at the reception for my class’s artwork, he didn’t even want to talk to me at all, he wanted to completely ignore me. Which, I felt the same way at first, but I didn’t actually ignore him. I spoke to him right away. And he wouldn’t even look at me. And it was a few months after that that I deleted him as a friend on fb. Even though after the reception he liked every one of my profile pictures, as if saying, we are cool. But it all built up to so much that I was literally having bad dreams about him and feeling so horrible. And I was under so much stress with job interviews and feeling bad about myself that I was still working where I was that it made me want to delete him because I was so upset that he wasn’t giving me back what I was giving him and I felt rejected and bad about myself. Now it’s January 1st and of course we are not talking still. But I think about him all the time. And I think about how I can reconcile it, and wonder if he will message me one day or if we will run into each other some time. I really don’t know what to do or how to play this. I fantasize about being with him in the future. He’s the only person I see myself with yet I deleted him off of fb… Soo yeah. I talked to my friend about it before and she said to just send him a friend request, maybe send him a message and ask how he is. But I want him to initiate. Because I took so many steps toward initiating and he didn’t reciprocate. So I guess we’ll wait? It’s like a game though. To see who gives out quicker. It’s stupid. And although I like him a lot and feel a great connection… I didn’t get enough back from him… and he ignored me the last time I saw him… So I have reasons to not be the one to initiate, but so does he… Okay, well on to 3.

3 is a guy I met before Halloween. I was feeling good in my life. I met him, we dated for a bit, I liked him, but I didn’t get enough back from him either. He would ignore my messages for so long. Like he didn’t care or wasn’t interested or something. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was pissing me off. So I stopped talking to him. But I miss our friendship too. But despite how I feel I have to keep reminding myself that he was making me feel bad and he wasn’t giving me enough. Even though when I was with him he seemed like a perfectly nice guy and a good person. But he made me feel so ignored all the time.

So other than guys. I would like to focus on positives. I have to get my hamster out of her ball quick though… brb.

So I don’t know. I’ve been typing for a while. Sometimes free-writing is really good for me. Right now though I don’t feel like I want to write. I don’t feel a particular compulsion to write anything. And I’m so low on money right now it’s depressing. My account is going to get overdrawn on Tuesday when my car insurance automatically comes out, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I went out on NYE and it was stupid because I ended up spending a lot of money on alcohol and the clubs. Ended up just getting really sick. And being mostly bored. But I went out because I already told my friend I would, and I didn’t want to cheat her of her NYE. But my next paycheck is also not going to be much at all, since I had this whole past week off and the previous week I was sick for 2 days, so I didn’t get paid for that.

Okay, well I keep on getting side tracked so I’m going to end this rant here… G’night!