So I had work today at my internship. It went okay. I really feel I need to get my s*** together and feel ready for the day before I go on. I mean, I’m a therapist intern, I do therapy with adolescents, I need to make sure I am awake, alert, ready, with it. Yet a lot of the time I don’t feel that way and I feel like I want to sleep. Even during my supervision hours, I don’t say a lot, feel insecure when I do talk, don’t have a lot to say, etc. like I annoy myself all day long. I got through it though. And tomorrow is my last day there! I just had all these thoughts racing in my head all day, self-criticizing thoughts, and I feel overwhelmed just being in my own head. I feel overwhelmed just being at St. Ann’s nowadays, when I didn’t feel like that at all for months. Now when I think about being there, I feel anxiety. It all started just a few months ago. Sometimes these anxiety episodes, which can last for months, start with a single thought in my head, a worry thought, and I guess instead of writing it down and doing my own CBT work with it, it goes unchecked and gets worse. But tomorrow, I want to tell myself that I do not need to worry. There is nothing serious going on, and not to panic unless there is actually something to panic about, which there most likely will not be. I think about Abraham Hicks and the “vortex”, and I want to be in the vortex! Despite all my frustrations lately, I have noticed though, that since I have been consciously recognizing how my days are actually going (despite their accompanying rampant anxious thoughts), I have been having generally good days. I want to get a haircut, I want to go shopping this summer. I want to go on fun adventures with numerous friends! I want to enjoy my time! Some thoughts I can tell myself are, “this is me, I can only be who I am, and everyone is unique in their own way, and it’s okay to not be perfect, nobody is perfect.”
So a lot has happened recently, and it’s making me rethink a lot. Should I be different? Should I talk more? Express myself more? All these questions and thoughts make me feel exhausted, honestly.
I feel so ready for a relationship again. I want it NOW. I went out today across town and saw so many attractive men. I’m like, should I be more assertive, more confident? Idk. Or should I just be how I’ve always been, because the right person will be perfect for me? So many questions without any answers. The game of life. I want a relationship to be easy, to be obvious, to be natural, to feel right, to feel good, to feel peaceful.
I’ve been seeing 11:11, 1:11, 12:34 on the clock constantly lately. Numerous times a day, often. That has to be a good sign, right?
I’m so excited for the right person to show up for me. I don’t know when, but I feel so ready, I’m expecting it any moment now. I’m not attached to any one person, I just know I want it and I want it ASAP. I’m excited for summer to come. I’m excited spring weather is FINALLY here!!! I’m excited to move to my own apartment in September! I want someone to spend my time with, someone to be able to have deep conversations with, someone to be affectionate with, someone to hug and kiss and hold hands with and do all the fun things couples do! Go on dates with! Someone to share everything with! I love having someone to spoil and love and say sweet things to, and laugh and play with. And someone who loves me back! I know that it will come, it’s just a matter of when. And I know it’s not everything, and I do want other things, but I want that a lot too. Maybe even if it’s something short term, I’m thinking even just something for fun for a little while. I feel like the past few years have taught me to be more chilled out, relationship wise. To not let things bother me like they used to.
I suppose I have a lot of self-doubt at times. Some insecurities or what not. Like I’m questioning, should I be acting different? And I’ve been having these anxieties related to working at my internship with the social aspect of it. But who really cares about that so much? I just want to get my hours done. Yes, I want to enjoy it as much as I can, but it’s only another few weeks left. Anyway, I’m going to meditate and go to sleep. More work in the morning, at least the worst part is over!!! Hopefully I can get 2 papers done by tomorrow night!! That will be great to submit them both tomorrow night!! Alright, well goodnight, all!
P.S. Life is such a learning process…
I just want to fix these thoughts that I recurringly have that bring me DOWN…
I fixate on how I look so much it’s unhealthy. I was thinking, once I get my hair cut the way I want it (a long bob), then I can just do it the same way everyday and not have to think about whether I like it or not. So that will be one thing out of the way.
Then there’s how I look in general where I judge myself when I look at other people, other females that I see on the streets of my city. Other females who look so good the way they’re dressed, and so confident. And as soon as I see anyone like that, I immediately compare myself and think I look less than them, I look not as confident, not as good, not as high energy, and every day I get dressed is a constant struggle to look “good enough”. Do other people experience this? What thoughts can I tell myself to get rid of these thoughts?
Maybe I can just get ready in the morning, do the best I can, and then say to myself, I like how I like, this looks good, I am okay and good with this, and then if I see another female on the street who looks really good, I can also say, I have the potential to look even better than I do, especially when I finish school and I’m working full time and I can have a lot more money to spend on clothes and how I look. But I can also say, I do like how I look now though, and it’s okay, and there are always going to be people I think look really good, and vice versa. Everyone is unique. I don’t want to hate myself for how I look when there are people who look all different ways and I don’t hate them or judge them for looking how they look, so I should treat myself the same.
Okay, I think I feel better now. Have to get to sleep… Night!
Ahh wine and ice cream and writing in my blog. So much in my head, all the time. Crazy train. I know I really should stay focused on only the important things, the things that are good for me. But I was just in the shower and I thought about how I see myself with this one person in the future, yet right now, we don’t talk, and if I even saw him, I don’t even see us having a good, positive time. Maybe I should visualize us meeting, greeting and getting along. And honestly everything he does makes me mad or upset. Like how could we even formulate anything, when he would always be irritating me or something. I just want a relationship again, and I am ready for it NOW. Two of my friends just shacked up recently. I have to be totally okay with everything, like for example him wanting and being with someone else, everything. I am obsessing…
I am going to meditate and go to sleep… Good night!
I don’t know what I’m about to write about. Just felt like I had a lot going on in my mind lately. My monkey mind has been nuts lately. Thought I would make a couple hundred today, but I got tired and there were no promotions, or I would have made like $100 already today. That’s okay though, I have a couple weekends even after this to make more money to pay my rent. And if it’s late, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ve learned. And I just have to pay rent this time and one other time and then I’ll get my check end of June and I should be good then!!! Ah I can’t wait till then!
Ugh I am so horny lately. It’s going to be so awesome when I find myself with someone again, having amazing sex. I just want us to go crazy on each other and have so much fun, with someone I have a crazy awesome connection with. Omg and I am SO excited about my OBGYN appt this Friday, because that means I can get back on my birth control that I have not been on in soo many months… and as soon as I start it back up, my skin is going to be perfectly clear again! And it’s going to make me so happy. Esp. with spring and summer coming back now! I’ve been getting up super late for class, debating whether or not to skip almost every morning, but eventually deciding I can still make it last minute and that’s what I want to do, so I crawl out of bed, hair dirty af, sometimes no makeup, an outfit I probably don’t like that much at times. That’s another thing…. my clothes lately, thinking I might want to invest in some more active wear clothes to wear during class. Was thinking of getting some new shoes, a light color, like pale pink or a Tiffany blue or something of that nature.
Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve just been focusing on how stressed and down I’ve been. I used to subscribe to being so upbeat, happy, and positive. I want to get back to that!!! Da fuq! I don’t want to let anything get in the way of appreciating this life and every moment of it. I let things get in the way. The way I think I look, what I’m wearing, when someone is rude to me… I let things get to me! I can get wherever I want to go from where I am.
I just had this weird deja vu moment about me liking someone but then as soon as I started to give him my attention, he disappeared or wasn’t interested… It was of a dream I used to have… but I work with this guy… Idk what to do about him in my life? I know I’m not going to ask him out or tell him I like him or anything like that. I’m just going to chill and keep doing my job and be friendly to him, maybe become friends. I had decided I was just going to be cool with being friends with him, but at this point, we are friendly but that’s it. But I am OKAY with us being friends. I am happy about it. But if my dreams are supposed to tell me what I’m in the process of manifesting (says Abraham Hicks), then I was in the process of manifesting pushing him away? But I don’t know how I would be. I suppose if I am truly okay with just being friends then there wouldn’t be anything vibrationally that would be pushing him away, right? Maybe just paying so much attention to him and noticing him so much and changing how I act when he is around is pushing him away. So just enjoy everything socially I suppose right? Eventually I’ll figure everything out right? I can always listen to more Abraham Hicks on YouTube while I go out doing deliveries, too.
I just thought of how I get quiet when he’s around. I don’t voice myself or express myself. Maybe I don’t act like enough of myself and that’s pushing him away. “so maybe I need to be more myself around him? Like really be me, stop holding back? Idk. Not that I necessary need this to go anywhere. I get so relationship obsessed when I meet a guy I’m into. But I also feel like he feels it too. “I know that in my vortex the perfect relationship for me is ready and may come to fruition any moment now and I am ready!” is a better feeling thought! I know I need to focus more on the feeling of having it than on not having it, I do know that, according to Abraham Hicks. And you know what, I think I’ve just been feeling blah because I have so much to freaking do, constantly going to classes, school work, internship and work work. And not having much money rn until I get paid next.
Why am I even worrying about pushing him away? Alright, I think I’m obsessing. I’m going to stop and go to sleep… good night! 🙂
If anyone has any thoughts on the situation, please share! 🙂
I can get back to peace and joy and love and self-confidence. I can get anywhere I want to go from where I am. Tuesday turned out to be a good day. I had some good moments. I’m not looking back, because I’m not going that way. I can start tomorrow as a brand new day. I can set my intention to having a great day. Colleen can finish her artwork, I will have one more piece of art to hang up. Maybe I can even run a group myself around 3, since Molly isn’t there, that way I can have more mandalas made? Anyway, I can get myself exited in the morning, listen to music I like on the way home. Then I am done in 8 hours from then. Even fewer hours than that really, since I will leave for lunch. I should do meditations in the morning too. Before I leave, for like 10-20 minutes.
Alright, this was a short post, but I gotta get to sleep… I’m exhausted.
You know what, I’m doin alright… I’ve been havin lots of thoughts lately, and it would probably serve me well to meditate and to exercise, and yet I have not done enough of either. Although, I do have to give myself credit for the fact that I have been meditating here and there… I’ll do it before I go to bed. I suppose I do “quiet my thoughts” in some way every day.
I’m sick of acting like I don’t care. I’m sick of crawling out of bed, and being in a low-vibe, “barely there” mood to my graduate classes. It’s not my best self, not even halfway. It’s not the kind of therapist I want to be. I’m sick of being down. I’m sick of being moody or irritated or low-vibe. It’s bullshit. I want to be good at what I do. I want to be into it, be positive, be happy again. Idk what’s been going on with me lately. I feel like I used to be so positive about stuff.. Like I was so positive to start grad school and felt like happy was my default, I remember thinking that on my way into work one day… then idk what happened… internship got the best of me… the fact that I just kind of float around, without much direction… it just started to get to me. But I guess I can fix that somehow. I want to get back to my happy self. I want to enjoy things. I want to have fun. I want to quietly contemplate, or whatever. I guess I spend all my time working? And not enough time enjoying? Or maybe I need to just appreciate any moment I have of non-work?
Idk, but internship tomorrow, and I want to make it fun!
Okay, well, must get to sleep now… Good night! xo